And we start again.

I gained all the weight back... and a little more.

I tried thinking of a way to ease into that sentence, but fact is, I gained it all back. Plain and simple.

Im battling myself on a daily basis.
If I could I would sleep all day. But I have kids and a job.
I've been thinking of going back on meds for depression, but I really don't want to, and Im not 100% convinced that I need to.
I want to try and take care of this myself.
And A huge place to start is to lose some weight.
Start feeling good about myself again.
I don't want people to worry, cause I'll be ok. I always am.
But I don't really have much else to post right now.
I figured Id make it short and to the point about my weight gain.

Today has been good, I feel motivated today to stay on track calorie wise. And with my cleaning job I get a workout in most days. So I feel like as long as I stay within my calories I should be able to shed some weight fairly quickly.

I do plan to blog more, and read your blogs more.

Anyways, thats where I am right now :S


On a positive note. I got a "Miss You" Box from Linda (my aunt).
And Linda you already know this, but I bawled when I read the card and the back of the pictures.
I needed that so bad. I miss my family. I miss you. I love BC very much! And this is the place I want to live, ideally. But when Rob is gone, I feel that much more alone.
But that "Miss You" box, was so special to me.
You are my person for a reason!
You always seem to know when I need a pick me up lol
And I am soo proud of how far you have come in your weight loss journey! Seriously, its crazy how different you look! I cried looking through the pictures on your blog!
You motivate me. You are the little voice in the back of my head that tells me to try again and keep moving on.
I heart you!

Happy Turkey Day!

Just a short post. Wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving to all you Canadian folk.
Im making my first turkey this year, normally I go to a member of my families house but since I live in BC and have no family it falls on me to cook the turkey now lol.

Rob is at work.. which is good, because he had been off for 6 weeks.. and thats not good for anyone. I didn't remember what it was like to be this broke. But in the spirit of Thanksgiving I am thankful for my job, for my jewelry business actually making some money, and for Rob to be at work finally.
Im thankful for my kids, our home, and my family (whom I miss ridiculously).

I have tomorrow off work and the kids will be at school, so I will do a longer blog post then :)

BC lIfe

It's been a really long time since I blogged.

I'm going to try and make it a regular thing again though.

 

Lets get down to the main updates in my life.

 

We sold our house and moved to Courtenay BC.

Our move.

We LOVE our house and we LOVE it here.

I do think we made the right decision.

We are surrounded by mountains, have 2 gorgeous beaches within 15 minutes of our house and numerous other ones within a 40 minute drive.

This is the life I wanted.

 

But I miss my family...

This summer was pretty hard for me since my family from Yellowknife drives to Saskatoon to visit the rest of our family (we have a HUGE family, my grandparents had 14 kids!) And since we moved to BC I wasn't able to make it to Saskatoon this year to visit. That's the only time to see my sister and her kids usually, and I had a hard time since I missed that this year :(

I'm also missing the fact that I lived close enough to my person (Linda) to drive out on weekends if I wanted to.

I can't do that anymore.

And I feel like we have been talking less, which is probably my fault, and I want to change that.

But I know the next time I am gonna see her is probably next summer at my sisters wedding. That makes me super sad.

 

The boys have no friends here. Although I have been going out to "playgroups" with moms with older kids, and at least socializing the boys. But Aiden sure misses his friends.

I'm hoping it will get better for him once school starts up soon.

They do enjoy all the outdoor things we get to do though.

 

 I am currently looking for part time work. I think it will be good for me to get out and get back to working. Both boys will be in full day's at school. If I work part time I can be there to drop them off and pick them up, and not feel completely stressed out.

I may get into some full time work eventually, but for now, this is what works for us.

 

 

I haven't been regretting my choice to move here.

But the fact that I miss my family is a problem for me some days.

I feel like I have been taking it out on Rob, and it's not doing good things for our relationship..

That's all I'm really gonna say about that, because I think we had a really good talk the other night and cleared the air.

We have been together for 9 years, I think by now I know that we can fight hard, but love harder.

It all works out in the end. You just need respect.

 

On the weight loss front, I gained all... ALL of my weight back.. I'm super embarrassed, and feel gross.

This past week I lost 4lbs. I can do this again!

Most of my clothes don't fit anymore, and I refuse to buy new bigger clothes again.

It'll get better.

The strength to let go.

Those who are on my facebook already know, but

WE SOLD THE HOUSE!!!

And the lady wants a very fast possession date, being the 27th.. of THIS month!

So I am beyond stressed about the move and not having a place lined up for us yet.

I would probably have a place it we didn't have pets.

This whole renting business is so annoying!!

But we don't want to buy just yet.

 Need to get used to the area and make an informed decision before we know we are staying.

On top of that we finally heard from the court a couple months back for Randy's appeal date, they did their appeal and we have been waiting for the judges decision.

Just to refresh your memories, he is the guy who sexually abused me, my sister and another girl when we were young.

We went to court and he was found guilty on all charges.

But because he appealed, he hasn't seen a jail cell since being found guilty.

He was basically free to go wherever he wanted.

(Not near us though, we all have no contact orders).

So I get a call a couple weeks ago. And they tell me he won his appeal...

My heart was literally destroyed..He won.

20 or more years ago this man started to do things that would change who I was. He chose to do that and I have had to deal with it my whole life, and will continue to do so.

2 years of dealing with all that court stuff and seeing him and being stressed out and worrying, for nothing.

I just wanted to go to bed and not wake up.. I'm not saying I was suicidal (cause I wasn't!),

I just didn't want to deal with my life anymore right then.

But I woke up the next day and felt stronger.

We had the option to have a re-trial.

 And part of me wanted to continue on and try again, but part of me wanted to just go on living my life and not have to deal with him and court anymore.

What he did, is done.

Nothing that could happen to him in court would make up for what he stole from us.

I already stood up for myself in court.

I already faced him.

He knows we are aware of what he did and he knows that we hate him, he has to face that in his own heart now.

He loses, because as much as he broke us, we rebuilt ourselves.

We win.

My sister wanted to just be done with all the court stuff,

 she said "My family deserves me at my best and I am not at my best when dealing with this."

And I respect that.

As much as I was willing to fight him again, I also just wanted to move on, not give up, move on.

Alisen (sister) said she thought I was gonna be mad or hurt that she didn't want to continue.

But I told her,

"He did this to all of us.. but he did this to EACH of us as well.

He hurt you, and you get to decide for yourself and for no one else, what you want to do.

As do I and Vicky."

I told her I'm not mad at her or disappointed at all. I'm kind of relieved.

 It makes my decision easier to let go and move on as well.

Even though a part of me wanted to continue to fight him, I realize the outcome would probably be the same.

 And I don't want heartbreak over this anymore.

I don't want to interrupt my life and my families life for another few years over this.

So I'm letting go.

I'm at peace with my decision. And that's all that matters.

....................................................

Anyways on a much much happier note, my Linda came to see us last weekend :)

I totally needed her visit.

With our move being so fast I wasn't gonna be able to get out to Saskatoon to visit before we left,

 so the fact that she came out here was lovely <3

We had a great visit, as always.

And I am gonna miss her.

I am trying not to think about it too much, and even though this was my decision,

I am sad about moving farther. I'm sad that we wont be able to go for a weekend whenever we wanted and visit.

I'm sad that the dynamic between her and my kids might change,

even though we are gonna try our hardest not to let it!!

The whole point of this move is because well, we love BC, so we need to try living there.

I don't want to live the rest of our lives saying "We could have moved to BC, and we didn't, I wonder what it would be like?" I don't want what ifs. I want to know we tried and if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, then I will be OK with it, and so will Rob.

I'm hoping now that all this court shit is done with and I am letting go, it will help me get healthier.

I feel like something has been blocking me, maybe this was it.

I also think that the move to BC will be great because we want to do all kinds of outdoor things there.

Hiking, biking, just having beautiful things to see when I go for walks (ocean and mountains).

Unlimited places to go camping.

Its just gonna make for a much healthier lifestyle for our family, and I am looking forward to that.

Hi

Been a long time since I posted. With Reno's and people visiting from out of town I kinda let my health slip. But I'm back, and I'm ready to get back into the swing of things!

Like I said we had done a bunch of Reno's to the house/yard. Nothing major (aside from the new flooring throughout the house). But that's pretty much what we spent Robs time home doing.

And we listed the house!
Its been for sale for a couple weeks now and we were supposed to have someone come look at it yesterday but she apparently had the flu, so she is supposed to be rescheduling for Wednesday.
I was sooo excited for her to come yesterday so it was a huge disappointment when she cancelled.
But All it takes is ONE person, the right person to fall in love with this place and buy it! I really hope its her and this waiting game of selling the house can be over!!

Big news!

We had travelled to Vancouver Island last summer, and fell completely in love with it. Specifically the Courtenay/Comox Valley area.
We wanted to move but assumed that we wouldn't be able to make as much as we owe on the sale of our house. So we decided to wait.
Well we are sick of waiting. We want to move this summer before the school year starts. ASAP, but at least a couple weeks before school starts.

I have contacted a real estate agent who is coming to take a look Monday at noon to appraise the house. But she specilizes in this area, and just on giving her the dimensions and the year built she was certain that our place will sell quickly and for more than we owe!!!
BEST NEWS EVER!

So the trip to Calgary probably wont happen. But Im hoping to be able to make a trip to Saskatoon before we move to visit family and say goodbye.
Although since we are trying to save money for the move Im not sure if it will happen :(
But I am gonna do everything in my power to make that happen!

I already started cleaning up the yard, and want to finish painting the fence tomorrow.
My dad and Rob are both here Tuesday so Wednesday we can start doing the other stuff.

The real estate agent will go over what she thinks we need to do in order to sell the house the fastest.
I'm assuming I already know what she will say though.
We planned to put in all new doors. Re-paint the trim on the outside of the house.
Re-paint the deck.
Put a fresh coat or 2 of paint in all the rooms in the house.
Finish the flooring in the hallway and master bedroom (we already have the flooring, just have to put it in).
And redo the front garden.
Nothing major.
We also need to rent a storage unit and de-clutter the house before we list it.
This is good though because I will have to go through all our stuff anyways as we are not moving everything with us.
Aside from, our bed, and electronics we are just gonna pack what can fit into 10 boxes.
We will basically be starting over for furniture when we get there.
But I am completely ok with that. Im excited about it actually.

Living there will provide us with the type of lifestyle we have wanted for a very long time.
I can't wait!

Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!

So I don't know what is happening with me, but I'm loving it!

I have been been kicking some serious ass in the gym and have been eating amazingly.

The fact that I upped my calories is helping me SOOOO much.

I actually have a hard time trying to eat all my calories

(because when you eat healthy fibre rich foods, they don't cost as many calories as the less filling crap I was used to. Who knew?! lol).

I have been more focused on health and trying to just love me for who I am despite the body I am in... and maybe even possibly loving my body?

(Ok, ok, I'm not quite there just yet lol)

I am slowly seeing changes

(at this point its probably just the fact that I'm not constantly bloated mind you).

CHANGES!!

And I am making them happen!

I have been here before, and actually been 15lbs lighter than I am today,

but I feel different this time.

I feel like I am actually aware of what is going on with my body.

I actually feel connected to it this time.

I KNOW that I am the one in control, I am the one making myself stronger and healthier.

It's kind of an amazing feeling.

I'm pretty much in love with it.. just sayin'.

I ran today!

(Well, more of a jog, but it was "running" to me lol)

I did my normal 6 laps around the track and then went on the rowing machine.

Then decided to do another 4 laps.

I walked the first quarter of the lap and then ran the rest!

I couldn't breath by the end of the lap lol but I did it!

And I waited for my heart rate to get back to a decent pace and ran some more.

I continued to do this for the rest of the 3 laps

(Running until I couldn't breath and my heart rate was super high, and then walking it off and letting my heart rate get down to a more normal pace before running again).

In all of my fat jiggling glory I felt SO good about myself!

It's May baby!!!

So I feel like I need to make some goals for this month. I suck at making actual goals. So why not start now?

MAY GOALS

• Go to Servus 3 times a week (gym and swim)
• Do a video at home 2 times a week.
• NO eating out!! NOTHING, not even subway! (I can do this for one month!)
• Start doing my Meatless Mondays again.
• Eat as clean as possible (no junk)
• Continue to drink my water (<3)
• Eat 4 meals a day (400 calories each, or more if I workout)
• I'm aiming to lose 6lbs this month, If I stick to these other goals I will probably pass the 6lb loss.

The secret is to actually STICK TO THE GOALS!

These goals are all very doable. The hardest part for me is going to be the eating out part, and the no junk part. But I NEED to do this. I can handle one month of no junk, right!? I have been doing well with staying in my calories and whatnot, but I am still having cravings for bad foods. And I will allow myself to eat them, but I always feel like all it will take is one weak moment and I will lose it again (by "it" I mean control). So I think I need to cut it out completely and if I keep it in my head that it's only for a month it seems more doable.

I got a call today from Atreyu's soccer coach. They start May 8th!! Its his first year in soccer. I'm so excited!! And my dad gets here that day too so he will be able to watch!

Biggest Loser WI #2

So I did my WI at home which is my WI that I will use on MFP and on here, since its the scale I have been using. And I was down 2lbs :D SUPER happy about that since I had a couple days that were not the best. AND I had upped my calories.

This whole eating more thing REALLY does work lol

Anyways I had my biggest Loser Group last night..its after dinner, which is not ideal lol, so I wasn't expecting a 2 lb loss to show up like it did on my scale at home when I was naked lol.

2lbs did not show up... 3.2lbs showed up!! What!!!??

I think I actually shouted "WOOHOO!" lol

I wasn't able to stay for the whole meeting as I had both kids and I didn't feel like making them sit there, or I didn't feel like being stressed out by their boredom at a time that is strictly about ME.

I had so much fun at the meeting though, even if I was only there for 15 minutes.

These ladies are so funny and great, I really didn't want to leave.

I think I will get a babysitter next week for the boys, so I don't have to worry about it.

And then Rob will be home again.

May 8th my dad will be here in the morning and Rob will be here at night lol its gonna be a long day of driving back and forth to the airport! Its an hour drive there and an hour drive back. But I'm so used to the drive it doesn't feel that long.

I really want to make a trip to Calgary, to hit up the zoo. Its been on my mind constantly since they got the new penguin exhibit. Atreyu is in love with penguins so I think we might go do this when my dad is here. Might just go out bright and early one day (its a 3 hour trip) if we got up at 5 or 6 and got out on the road we could probably be there right when it opens. And then spend the day at the zoo (It's pretty big) and head home that night.

I think I might start the 30 Day Shred again.

I also need to call the trainer I met with for that assessment and set up an appointment.

That can't happen until Rob is home though.

I'm not sure if I will use her after the first training session. It depends how it goes.

I liked her but I didn't feel the click that I wanted to for a trainer.

Maybe it will be different when we are doing an actual session though.

Self Hate

I read a blog post the other day on tumblr. That got me thinking.

It was about self hate/body acceptance.

As much as I do hate dislike my body right now. I also hated disliked it when I was much smaller (eating disorder days). In fact I think I hated disliked it more then. And I have more than 100 extra lbs on my body now than I did then!
How does that make sense!?

Well it DOES make sense!

I say I hate my body now, but really, I don't HATE it, sure I don't like the extra weight I have, and I don't like that I'm this big, but I don't hate my body.

When I was smaller I was still embarrassed about my body, to the point of NEVER going swimming, never wearing dresses, wearing sweaters in the summer cause I refused to show skin.

100lbs heavier and I rock a bathing suit, I wear dresses more often, I wear tanks in the summer.

Maybe its that I'm older, but maybe it's just that I love myself more.

I like who I am.

I haven't always been able to say that, but I can say that today.

I am on this journey not JUST to lose weight it's also about getting healthy.

I want to be strong not skinny!

I want to be fit not thin!

I want to love myself not just my body!

And yes it has taken (and will still take) a long time for me to get to my "goal" but I'm gonna enjoy myself on the way there.

I'm gonna try to not use the word hate when talking about myself anymore.

Insecurity isn't very attractive after all :)

10,000 views

My blog officially has over 10,000 views! Wow :)
Thanks to all those who actually take the time to read my blog and follow my journey.
You guys are awesome!

My weekend was great. My aunt Linda came to visit like I said. So Saturday we went to Servus and did a gym and swim. Rob was swimming with the boys while we worked out, and then we met them down at the pool.
I had my heart rate monitor on and I burned over 1000 calories in the time we were there! Crazy!
I wish she lived closer, cause I always feel stronger with her support. Although I do have her support anyways, its just different in person.

I had a bad eating day yesterday. Rob had just left, it was cold out, and I am pmsing... That sounds like a lot of excuses lol maybe I just needed a little break. Either way I am OK, back on track today and I went to the gym this morning and had a great workout! I'm not beating myself up for indulging anymore. If it happens again I just need to make sure I make up for it!
I'm kinda scared for my WI on Friday though.. so for the next couple days I need to bust my butt in the gym! And stick to my calories.

I had my doctors appointment the other day to talk about my fainting and my arrhythmia, it wasn't my regular doctor, so I'm not sure how I feel, but he seemed like he wasn't worried.
It never happens when I work out so that's a really good sign, and because it never happens for long periods of time and aside from this time I haven't actually fainted since I was a teen, he really seemed like it was pretty much normal....
I'm not sure I believe its "normal" but OK.
I think I will still talk to my regular doctor about it next time I'm in.

Rob is at work for 2 weeks right now, but they are trying to get him to stay an extra week. I keep telling him no, but when they really need him its hard for him to say no. Only issue I am having with him staying the week is that my dad will be in town that week. And my dad is more of a dad to Rob than his dad ever was. In fact my dad has been Robs dad and in his life longer than Robs dad was. So I really want him to be here to spend time with us.

I have a coffee date tomorrow morning with my friend Jenn, and then I will be heading to the gym again.

I am making Crock pot buffalo chicken lettuce wraps for dinner from skinnytaste.com for dinner, I will let you all know how they turn out :)

My favorite person in the world is here :D My aunt Linda from Life As Linda is in town for the weekend.

Today we are going to Servus to workout together and then go swimming with the kids.

I haven't been to Servus in a looong time. It will feel great to finally get back to working out at the gym!

We are also going to Costco (favorite), the one in Sherwood Park apparently has a liquor store!!! So we are gonna go check that one out lol.

Yesterday I went to my first Biggest Loser challenge meeting.

I missed last week since I was not back from my trip yet.

So I did my official WI and they took my measurements.

I'm pretty sure I was the biggest lady there, but it wasn't an issue for me.

Everyone is there for the same reason. And I got to meet more people.

One of which I really enjoyed and seemed to click with pretty well.

I weighed more on that scale than I do on my home scale. So I'm not sure if I should track my weight with their scale or mine (online).

I think I will stick with mine actually. Cause I normally WI in the morning with no clothes on. And we meet in a public place after dinner time fully clothed, so I was a few lbs heavier at the WI than I was right before I left my house. And just for blog purposes I will stick to my online WI being from my scale, and they keep track of the weights at the meetings.

So after I got back from my trip I had almost forgot that my abuser (I cringe calling him that, but I hate saying his name, he's not human in my eyes, and doesn't deserve a name) had court.

He was found guilty months and months ago... but he got himself a new fancy lawyer and wanted to appeal. So his appeal date was the 17th of this month. I was a big ball of nerves the whole day waiting and waiting to hear how it went (it was in Yellowknife and my mom went) and finally my mom texted me and said "Decision has been reserved, meaning they need time to make their decision. Will be one of three things: appeal denied and sentence starts (which is what we want!)

a new trial, or acquittal. The last one would mean its all over."

I was so glad that this day had come and it would finally all be over... I didn't realize it would take even more time to finish.

They said it could take up to another month for an answer...

/sigh

You go from wanting him to get the biggest sentence he could get, to just wanting all to be done and over with.

I don't want to go back to court for trial again!! I know the other girls don't want to either.

But at the same time I don't want to let all these years of court be for nothing.

I need to just stop thinking about what could happen and wait for it to just happen at this point.

Whatever happens happens, and unless it goes to trial again there is nothing I can do.

He knows what he did, he can deny and deny all he wants. He was found guilty, whether or not he wins the appeal because he has a better lawyer now. Doesn't change the fact that we stood up for ourselves and faced him in court.

He isn't in jail right now, but I know this has had to have some impact on his life in a negative way.

And no that doesn't make up for anything, but it at least makes it feel like the whole court process was worth it a little bit.

ANYWAYS, enough about that.

I have had issues with my heart since I was a teenager. Due to eating disorders and taking way too many energy pills.

I have an arrhythmia  and my heart will randomly speed up super fast or slow down dramatically to the point of me passing out (while I was a teenager). I have dealt with this my whole life since then, but got good at sitting down if I felt it coming on, so that I don't faint. Well the other day (Thursday) I almost fainted in my room, but sat down in time, my vision went blurry almost tunnel vision and my heart was beating really hard and slow.

And then in the middle of the night I got up to go see why Rob wasn't in bed (he was sleeping on the couch lol) and as I turned around to go back down the hallway I felt like I was gonna faint, so I tried to sit down but I guess it just hit too fast and I woke up on the ground. I have bruises on both arms, I guess I hit the corner of the wall on my right side and then just the impact and the way my arm landed under my body on the left side left a bruise also.

So, I called my doctors office and made an appointment for Tuesday morning. The lady I talked to said I should have gone into the hospital, but she didn't know my history, I guess I wasn't as worried as she was lol. But if it happens again I will for sure go in to the hospital.

Like I said I haven't actually fainted since I was a teenager, so I'm not sure why this happened again.

Ill be glad to finally have things checked out and see what I can do about it if anything.

I have been back for about a week now. I seriously had the time of my life in Punta Cana!

It was so great to have my first time out of Canada be with my husband and no kids (less stress) and I needed that time with just my husband <3

We were quite busy all week while there. I was just with my husband, but our group totalled almost 60 people!! I made so many new friends and got to make some awesome memories with family that I haven't seen in a long time.

We went on dune buggies one day, and got completely covered in mud lol it was a lot of fun.

The dune buggy trip took us to a cave that has a natural pool in it. It was so cool!

My younger brother Adrian, his girlfriend, Rob and I all went on a speed boat tour where we got to drive our own 2 person speed boats. Little did we know that tour also let us go SNUBAing (mix between snorkeling and scuba)

I couldn't get the hang of the breathing, so I pretty much just snorkeled, but I did get to feed the fish and the guy who was in charge of our group was awesome and took pictures with my camera of the rest of our group since I didn't make it down all the way.

We had another day where the whole group of us (except my younger brother and his gf) went on a Catamaran. The Happy Hour catamaran.

It was seriously such a good time!

Michelle's (brothers new wife) family and friends are the nicest people ever, they make everyone feel like family and it seriously felt like we were all one big family.

On the catamaran we also got to go snorkeling.

There was lots of drinks and dancing!

 And we got to get out of the boat at one of Punta Cana's last untouched beaches. We didn't go to the beach though lol, the water was only waste deep out where the boat was so we all just partied in the ocean for a while, where they brought us more drinks! Seriously, they had to have another small boat come meet us about 4 different times to supply more beer lol

And with all that drinking, not one person got out of hand, everyone was so fun and it was seriously like we were in paradise.

Man, I wanna go back!!!!

(Mom, Alisen, Michelle, Adam, Me, and Dad)

The day before the wedding My forehead swelled up....

WTF right!? Of course this happens to me.

I was so worried about being the fattest girl in the wedding, until that shit happened. I looked SO stupid.

I seriously cant stand looking at the pictures of me from that day (expect for the ones with me wearing sunglasses lol)

And we spent about 4 hours with a photographer after the ceremony doing wedding shots.

This photographer was sooooo good, and I am excited to see his pictures, but I know I'm gonna hate everyone I am in due to my swollen forehead :(

Anyways the wedding was on the beach, it was over +30 Celsius so the thought of wearing my hair down in the back was not an option lol

My sister did my hair and it was lovely.

The wedding was beautiful!

I think I cried more than the bride.

I cried when she was walking down the isle and I saw how happy my big brother was. I cried when she got the nervous giggles lol.

I cried during all the speeches at the reception.

My mom did a speech welcoming Michelle into the family and I'm pretty sure EVERYONE cried during it, including all the guys lol.

We just love Michelle so much. And we were all so happy this day finally came.

After the reception and being in plus 30 heat all day and night we all jumped in the kiddie pool and splashed each other.

We spent a lot of time in the pool.

There was a pool bar, need I say more lol

But the pool was actually cooler than the ocean a lot of days, and there was shade, so that was where most people hung out.

You can't tell in that picture but MAN, I am brown!!! I burnt pretty good a couple days, but now that I am home my tan is showing a lot more, I have never seen my skin get this dark! Its impressive lol... now if only it was all over my body and not just the top half lol.

My back/shoulders are the darkest. And my face/chest are still peeling.

I figured I would leave this post to be only about my trip. I will probably do another post later tonight.

I have hundreds more pictures, if you want to check them out you can go to my facebook page (the albums are public right now)

Album #1

Album #2

LAST DAY HERE!

And I just burnt nearly 400 calories shoveling snow....
Its really light snow, so its like 2 feet deep around my car.. shoveled around my car, then realized I had about a foot ON TOP of my car... so cleared that and had to re shovel around my car lol.
Its still snowing too, so I may get another little snow shovel workout in at some point today.
Whatevs, I'M LEAVING TONIGHT!!!!!

I did my official WI this morning (remember I'm switching to Fridays, but I'm not gonna be able to do it tomorrow as I will be in airports and airplanes all day).
I was down 1.2lbs.
Which is great, because I had upped my calories by about 300-400, and I still lost!
I have to say I am loving the fact that I have more calories to use, I am now having bigger breakfasts, which actually helps curb my night time eating.

I expect to gain while I'm gone, even though I do plan on trying to make good choices (healthier foods, and working out), but when its all inclusive, the drinks are whats gonna get me. Not to mention water retention. But I'm prepared for that and prepared to work it off once I get home :)

Didn't end up getting the pedicures I had planned, but the resort has a spa so that can be done there :)
We have a little bit of shopping to do still today, and Marie gets in at 3, so I can finish packing and what not then.

I will be back on the 14th. I will post an update and pictures sometime after that. Be prepared for a TON of pictures by the way lol.

TTYL!

4 days!

2 sleeps until my husband is home! And 4 until we leave :D

Once he is home it will go by that much faster. He gets in at around 9pm Tuesday night, and Wednesday I have my doctors appointment which I will be getting my results from my ultrasound, and having a pap..fun! lol

We have an appointment to do our taxes that afternoon. And Rob needs to do all his shopping that day as well.

Thursday we pick Marie (MIL) up at 3, she is watching the house, kids, and cats for us :)

SO glad to have someone I know will take good care of them and can be here in our home.

I just realized that our room has a jacuzzi inside AND one outside!! SCORE! lol.

And its only meters away from the pool.

I have a nail appointment tomorrow. Rob and I are also getting pedi's before we leave.

I need suggestions on how to do my hair for the wedding, any tips?

I'm not paying $80 for someone else to do it when I am more than capable and I can use that $80 for something fun like para sailing!!

I'm thinking I want to wear it down, maybe half up?

Maybe something like this?

or this?

Which do you like better?

Keep in mind it will be an outdoor beach wedding.

Maybe add a pink flower in there somewhere to match the dress.

Oh and the dress. It was ready to be picked up from the alteration place. And it fits good! THANK GOD!

Of course you can still see my fat legs and arms, but its the length I wanted, and the material and cut of it just flow nicely and doesn't show any rolls :)

I am nervous for the pictures, but this is gonna be the last time I am this size.

I'm only getting better from here. And I am better than I was last year, in more than one way.

So I will NOT stress and worry about it.

So the group of ladies in my town that are starting the "Biggest Loser" challenge. Are doing it Fridays, 7-8pm.

I don't like this for 2 reasons, I WI on Mondays, and I do it in the morning.. naked! lol

So now that I will also WI on Fridays, and I'm trying to get away from WI too much, I'm thinking I am going to change my WI day to Fridays for now, at least until the challenge is over (in 6 weeks).

So I will not be WI tomorrow. I am giving myself a little break here.

 I upped my calories, after having a few days of over eating. I looked into BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate).

For those who don't know what it is, it is the rate at which you burn calories doing absolutely nothing but stayed in bed all day, basically the amount you burn just to stay alive.

You are supposed to eat that amount.

I do not, I was eating way under it. So I am upping my calories and seeing how that goes.

I'm expecting maybe a gain or at least no lose this coming week. So that's why I am starting the Friday WI now, instead of the 13th when the challenge starts.

This brings me to another issue. I wont be here This Friday OR next Friday lol, this Friday's WI will actually happen Thursday. And my first official WI for the challenge will be Saturday the 14th. I talked to the ladies and they all said its fine to just go to Connie's house once I'm back and WI with her. And join them for the second WI.

I shall leave you with pictures of the resort lol.. sooo excited!!!!

6 days

Less than a week to go!!!

Im trying to kill time before my ultrasound... NO, Im not pregnant! lol

I have a pelvic ultrasound today.

For the past few months a week or so before my period I have.. well, a period. And then I get my regular one when I am supposed to. Its the most annoying thing in the world. Instead of having it monthly I have it twice a month.

This happened to me for a while last year also.

I also have been known to get quite a few cysts on my ovaries (sometimes quite painful).

So last year my doc switched my birth control pill to a higher hormone one. Well Im on pretty much the highest hormone one atm, so why is this happening again?

Anyways, thats what the ultrasound is for, I also have to get some blood work done today. And I see my doctor on Wednesday (day before I leave) so he should have all the results by then. Im sure its nothing serious, Im not worried. But I sure hope we can find the issue so I stop having multiple periods a month *rolls eyes* lol

It is gorgeous out again today so I think I will go for a nice long walk with the kids. I also need to fill the propane tank so I can bbq!!

The past couple days I havent eaten that great. And Im feeling bloated. Im not stressing or beating myself up about my food choices, I have continued to go for walks and drink tons of water. I dont feel out of control. And since today I can't eat until after my ultrasound, I plan to have a very healthy dinner. And get back on track. No more junk. I don't want to be bloated for the trip.

Rob agreed to working out while on vacation.

The plan is to get up and go straight to the gym in the mornings, then come back to our room and shower and get ready for the day. Doing it first thing, leaves no room for excuses.

I even mentioned it to my mom and she would also like to join us some days.

Oh and I have the best husband ever. He sent me flowers all the way from work. For no reason other than he loves me :D <3

10 Days

Had my WI today and was down 2 lbs :)
That was still without any exercise, well, I did get a couple days of walking in, but walking never feels like work.

I went and had my fit assessment today with Abby, the personal trainer I mentioned last post.
It went pretty much how I expected. I'm not in good shape so it showed. But she did say I had pretty good core strength so its not like I'm starting from scratch.
She charges $25 an hour!! So happy about that! Very affordable! And since I wont be able to come to her when Rob is out of town (at least not very often) she will also help me with making a plan for when I go to the gym or even for me at home. For an extra charge of $10.
She was really nice and I didn't feel uncomfortable with her. So after my trip I will get in touch with her to start a plan. She recommended that I work mainly on cardio, she said swimming would be a really good idea for me since my shins hurt a lot when I do jumping or running.
And since there is a swimming pool in Servus, she said I should do half an hour of laps and then go up to the gym and work on upper body machines, as well as stuff like crunches and lunges. She will put together a daily plan for me. and I can just follow that when I am working out alone.
She took my measurements and all that fun stuff lol so she can keep track monthly. I weighed nearly 8 lbs more on her scale, mind you I had eaten, was wearing a sweater and shoes, so I was expecting it to be more.
Other than that I don't really have much else to talk about today.
Tomorrow is Atreyu's 5th birthday. Gonna take him to spend some birthday money, as well as to Galaxy land play park with Sabrina and Jenn and the kids :) Should be fun!

13 days

Went to value village today.. love that place.
I found an awesome dress for $15 that I can wear in the Dominican and some tops for $6 each.
Also found a lovely beach hat so I don't burn my face like my SIL did while they were there lol.
I'm pretty much already packed to go lol, everything other than things I use daily anyways.
I wouldn't mind finding some shorts though. I have Capri's I can roll up pretty high, and I'm assuming I will be in my bathing suit quite a bit too, I have a couple dresses also. So I'm pretty much set.
Rob on the other hand will have ONE day to do his shopping for clothes/shoes when he gets home.

I just went and dropped a check off to order some lingerie (surprise for Rob on our trip :D). That should be in on Friday.
I'm super excited. And the fact I am allowing myself to be more excited that I'm even going at all rather  than nervous and worried about what I'm gonna look like is making things a lot easier on myself.
I don't feel so much pressure anymore. Its easier to make the right choices right now.
I love it.

I stopped over to drop that check off to Misty's house. And she is the one who originally talked about the "Biggest Loser" challenge. Some of the moms had a play date today (I was busy so I didn't go) but they talked about details, so Misty filled me in.
Its gonna start the week after Easter, so yay, cause I will be back.
It's gonna be 6 weeks long.
Everyone will put in $25. And the WI will be semi private. So if you choose to, you can just have one other lady come in the room while you WI.
Also you don't have to be a part of the challenge, you can just come for support if that's what you want.
Some of the money will go towards weekly prizes for the biggest loser of the week. And weight loss will work on percentage so that its fair for everyone.
Also, you don't HAVE to WI every week in order to win the final prize (money) You just have to WI the first night and the last night, but of course then you can't win weekly prizes.
They also thought it would be good to have to put in a dollar if you gain. I like that idea too.
I'm totally excited about this.
I'm also pretty sure in my last 2 posts I have said excited about 8172381723 times lol

14 days.

Its snowing :( wtf Alberta weather!? It was so nice out and there was barely any snow left! grrrr.

A lady on a moms group that I joined on face book for the town I live in wants to start a "Biggest Loser" group. I'm freaking stoked about it.

I'm not sure on the exact details, but we all put some money in in the beginning, and then we WI weekly at one of the ladies houses. I think you can win weekly prizes with part of the money from everyone who joined. But in the end (not sure how long it runs) the "Biggest Loser" gets the cash :D

Even if I don't win the cash, I think this is going to motivate me so much! To have to go and WI in front of the ladies and have the support in person is going to be great for me!

I also found a personal trainer in my little town. She has a gym set up in her house. And I go over there on Monday to do a free fit assessment and talk to her about what I want from her if I choose to go with her.

I'm so excited for this. Mind you, I'm not sure on what her price is just yet lol, but Mothers day is coming up.. I think I'm gonna ask for at least a few sessions.

She said the assessment will help show her my fitness level and she can then make a workout for ME and what I'm capable of.

Seriously so happy about this!

When Rob is out of town I will hire a sitter for the hour or so that I am there, and then of course when he is home I don't have to worry about having a sitter.

I found this great idea on pinterest awhile ago

I am gonna start it once I get back from my trip.

15 days

So I had WI on Monday and I was down 6.1 lbs :)
Its always nice when the first week back on track is a great one weight wise.

Ive got 2 more weeks until I leave... wow.. excited and nervous. Nervous still because I hate wearing swimsuits and shorts and such. And there is about 60 people going in the group. But I know once I'm there I wont be thinking about that so much.. especially due to the fact that its all inclusive and I will have NO KIDS.. bring on the rum lol.
No, in all seriousness I don't plan to get too smashed most nights. The night that the ladies go out will probably be as bad as it gets. But I have really good intentions and plan on using the in resort gym at least a few times.
When I tell people that I plan to use the gym there they look at me like I'm crazy. But I have been on "vacation" from my healthy lifestyle for a few months now. And I am feeling really committed at this point. Not to mention I will be drinking and eating foods I wouldn't normally be eating while home. So in order to come home and not feel like a bloated pig I need to work some of it off. And hopefully I will not have gained too much while there.
I also plan on swimming, walking and doing lots of activities so that will add to it as well.
I'm not really worried about gaining a bunch of weight while there. Its after I get back that scares me.
Once I get in the mind frame of just letting go and having fun I have a hard time getting my grip back, so the plan is to not let go of it just yet lol.

In other news, I had a dentist appointment today.. they couldn't do anything because for the past couple days I haven't been able to open my mouth properly. I can talk just fine. But I can only extend my jaw enough that I can't even fit a grape in... so yeah haven't been able to eat much, at least not without extreme pain from forcing my jaw open :(
Anyways he said it is from my wisdom teeth and I REALLY need to get them out. He recommended in the next 2 weeks. He gave me a prescription so that I don't get an infection in the mean while.
I had already gone in and had my consult to have them removed. I just need to fax in some papers. I will probably just go in and drop them off tomorrow and talk to them in person.
I'm not sure what the eff I'm gonna do though because I need someone to watch the kids and pick me up after it and Rob is out of town at work and my SIL is going out of town Saturday until the following Saturday.
So I would only have a 3 day period where I am able to do it before my trip.. but really do I want a sore mouth while I'm there?
My jaw being stuck like this sucks majorly, and hurts when I force it open, but its not a constant pain and it doesn't hurt when I chew once I force the food in there.
I'm just gonna have to wait until after my trip.
Ibuprofen does help the swelling and allows me to open my jaw a little more, so I will just have to stick with pain meds for now.
I don't really have another option.
I can't really eat many things other than soup and even then I have a hard time getting the spoon in my mouth, at least it might help with Mondays WI lol.

18 days

I havent posted in a little while, and I am still struggling (kinda) its a battle every day, but I have been doing really well the past week or so, and WI day is tomorrow and Im hoping for some good results. I feel smaller, not so bloated anyways.

Our Dominican trip is in 18 days! I have been struggling with extreme shame over how badly I have been doing and how I gained all the weight back. I had 2 years to lose weight for my brothers wedding and Im pretty much only going to have lost maybe 20lbs.
Im trying to just let that go, and move on, and not pressure myself so bad.
I know everyone loves me despite my weight.
I think a big thing is just that its for Adam's wedding. I never think about this, because I love him so much, but he was soo mean to me growing up, and bugged me DAILY about being over weight as a kid.
I don't remember anyone else ever making fun of my weight. But I think because he was my older brother I needed his approval, but I felt worthless cause he made me feel like being fat/chubby was such a gross and horrible thing, and I was fat.
Im so much more over weight now, and a part of me feels like he is going to be dissapointed that I didn't drop the weight for his wedding.
I havent seen him in a long time so he doesn't know what size I am.
My heart is in my throat just thinking that I will have dissapointed him.
I know he loves me and we are adults now so I know he will just be glad Im there and a part of the wedding. But that little girl in me who was teased by her brother her whole childhood is scared.
My feeling like he is going to be disappointed is probably just ME, and my insecurities, but its ingrained in me.
With that said, I am trying my hardest right now, I did lose weight.. I just gained it back lol. But all in all thats better than never having dropped any and still gained more.
Its a journey, it really is. Im learning more about myself with every fall I take. I get back up, and try something new.
Thats really all I can do.
Thats really all anyone can do.
Im proud of myself for trying to overcome thins so many times. And slowly but surely I will get there :)

Monday WI

So I was down 6.3lbs this morning!

Great first week back on track.  

I was expecting a big number since I had gained so much back recently. 

It always falls off easiest the first week.

Im gonna add working out into the mix this week and hope for around 2lbs next week :)

Weekend Update

I went to the "Moms who need wine" night last night. Im so glad I put myself out there and went.

It was great, met some really nice ladies. And the boys had fun, Aiden loved the teenage boy who was babysitting. And he enjoyed my kids, so looks like I know who to call when I need a babysitter from now on :)

Which could be as early as Tuesday. I am possibly going to another get together. One of the ladies is hosting an Under Cover Wear party. Its lingerie and other stuff, and all the lingerie comes in sizes up to 3x! Im so excited.

We were also talking about putting together a dinner night for our group. Not sure how often, but the ladies will all meet up at a restaurant and socialize. Im super excited about that too lol.

Anyways. I have been doing great this week. staying under my calorie goals, and drinking more water.

Still haven't really had a "workout" but Im still looking forward to my WI tomorrow morning.

My birthday is coming up, March 5th I will be 27.

One year older.. and still not where I wanted to by weight wise..

But this is the last birthday that I feel that way.

Im not saying I need to be at my goal weight by my 28th, but I will be much lighter, and I am ok with that.

Im not pressuring myself anymore with numbers. I compare what I am doing SOOOOO much to what friends or other bloggers are doing and I think that is why I fail every time.

That and the fact that when Rob is home I pretty much seem to give up.

Im not doing that anymore either.

For my birthday I asked him to help me lose weight and get healthy.
I need his commitment to do this with me while he is home. He is all for it :)

But of course he said that can't be my birthday present lol

Fresh Start.

Its been a couple days of being completely on track. Haven't brought working out back into the mix just yet, but I have been so busy with Aiden's soccer tournament all weekend, and the new kitties and my kids and everything else. But I'm feeling good after a couple long chats with my aunt, who I can definitely call my best friend. I don't know what I would do with out you Linda.

Sometimes I feel like I have been forgotten by everyone, and you always know when something is wrong, even if you are 555 kms away <3

So my second last post which was a month or so ago, I mentioned that we were getting a kitty, well, we got 2 lol

We were told the second one was his sister, but after I took them home and we noticed they had what looked like the same parts.. and then we took them to the vet for their first shots they assured me that yes, they are both boys.

Im destined to be the only female in this household lol

We had named my original choice of kitty Poe and named the "girl" Flora, but once we found out he was a boy we changed his name to Fender.

Here they are.

Poe is the grey one and Fender is the brown one

Aren't they the cutest!!??

........................

Anyways I could go on about my fur babies for ever! So I should stop myself now lol

Aiden had a soccer tournament this past weekend and his team got silver <3 

The gold medal game was soo intense. it ended up being tied 5-5 so they had a shoot out, SEVEN shots into the shoot out the other team finally won.

Other than winning, it couldn't have been a better ending.

Aiden loved it, he wants to join the same league but outdoor. Good thing about that is they base it on location so he will end up with lots of the same boys and possibly even the same coaches.

....................

Im not setting any goals for myself weight loss wise right now, Im focusing on taking it one day at a time, and celebrating it as that. After each day that I do good, eat healthy, drink my water, don't let everything get me down, etc. I will be proud of what I accomplished.

All the small things add up to be big at some point.

I need to not lose sight of that.

I have been struggling with some depression, Im pretty pro at hiding it, but its there.

Im not even sure why.. no thats a lie, I do know why its there.

Im not happy.

Im not happy with how I treat myself.

Im not happy with the fact that my husband is away so much, which means I am alone so much.

Im not happy with the fact that I feel ignored by certain friends.

Im not happy that my mom is still struggling with cancer shit.

Im not happy that I did all that court stuff and my abuser was found guilty months ago and has yet to see a day in jail since then. And in April when he goes back to court with his new fancy lawyer probably will get less than 2 years which means he won't actually have to go to a prison, he will spend it in a jail.

And we are left with a life sentence.

I feel like it just never ends with that. I think once its over, no matter what the outcome, at least its over.

He can get the fuck out of my head.

I sound like a whiney bitch right now, I'm aware of it, but if I can't vent here, where can I?

Im not always upset, or anxious, or depressed. I do have a lot in my life to be thankful for, and I do know what I can handle a lot.

But I also know when its getting out of my control.

I feel like some days its just too much for me. And this whole eating junk and not working out thing, being stuck in the house, and not socializing is not helping me.

So I am trying to put myself out there more.

Robs job is not going to change anytime soon. At least not until I can get out in the work force full time.

So I went on facebook and looked up groups in my town. 

And to my excitement found a mommy group. And one lady is hosting a "Moms who  need wine night" lol love it! 

Its this Saturday, and she also has 2 teenage children (a boy and a girl) who are going to babysit so the moms can socialize over a glass of wine and some yummy food.

This is EXACTLY what I need.

I have been looking for ways to meet new moms to befriend. 

I need some friends close by who I can go for coffees with, take the kids to the park with and just feel like I have someone close by that I can hang out with.

Not to mention its also a possibility for me to finally meet and for the kids to meet a babysitter!!! 

So my husband and I can act like we are in a relationship once in a while and go on a date!

Im nervous, but it will be worth it lol