Day 6 and 7

So technically its been a week so I should WI, but I always have weighed in on Mondays, so Imnot doing so until then.

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in a very long time! I even went up to the next floor of the gym and used the track. I only did 5 laps that day and didn't run (im so scared to run in front of people). But it was not as scary as I thought it was going to be up there. I actually loved it, it was a nice change of scenery for me.
I wont be able to make it to the gym today, but I will be doing a workout video tonight.
I have so much running around to do today. Planning for Aiden's b-day, and for my sisters baby shower.
My nieces first birthday is this saturday as well, I ordered her a 2 seater wooden sleigh, but it won't be here until sometime in October so I want to get something else as well for at the party.

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Aiden had been having anxiety issues last year at school, and it was very hard on all of us, but he had started off this year amazingly, no issues what so ever, until yesterday.. :(
He had missed a couple days of school because he had a throat infection.
I was really hoping that him missing those days wasn't going to trigger his anxiety, I thought he was doing so well, maybe he out grew it.
But it did trigger it.
He went to school yesterday afternoon, which was probably a bad idea in itself. I should have just kept him the whole day. So he could go in to a new, not a day that he had missed some stuff.
The school counsellor called me and talked to me about it, said she was staying with him for a while and then let him be on his own again, she gave him a worry rock to focus on and had a good talk with him.
He came home at the end of the day and was happy, but when I asked about what happened he said he got sad and nervous and his tummy hurt.
I guess the days he had missed they were working on stuff that lead up to the test they were having the day he came back. So he was rightfully nervous, but he always catastrophizes everything, and to him its a huge deal, he always worries about failing and not doing good :( It breaks my heart, because all I do is try to boost his ego and his self esteem, and tell him if he tries his hardest thats all that matters.
So anyways, today he needed me to go into the school with him again, just like last year.. and walk with him to his class, so he could be in there before the other kids.
I just want to cry.
I wish he didn't feel like this.
I hope it doesn't lead to him not wanting to do sports and stuff again too, because we signed him up for indoor soccer, and I have a feeling that this is not going to go well now.
I just want him to feel normal, not worry, not be embarrassed that he worries, and to have control of it.
My poor boy :(

Day 4 and day 5

I didn't get to post yesterday. Well I didn't get to do much of anything I wanted to do.

Aiden was home sick. I got him in to the doctor and he might have strep (waiting for tests to get back) so he is on meds for the time being to clear up what ever it is he has.

So didn't get to go to the gym or to Sabrina's :( or shopping.

He is home sick again today, so Atreyu missed his play class today as well :(

But Im making up for it by doing crafts and some stuff out of a preschool curriculum I bought.

Yesterday was Meatless Monday. I wanted to start doing this a looong time ago, but since I'm finally being serious about this change. I finally did it!

So this was my dinner Unsloppy Joes

part way through cooking

I added some brussel sprouts and skinny french fries.

The Unsloppy Joe wasn't bad, I didn't love it, but it was definitely a good filling meatless meal!

I did get in some exercise yesterday randomly through  out the day, crunches, jumping jacks, lunges.. I didn't count it on MFP though because, it was seriously so randomly throughout the day I didn't know how to count it lol.

I found these awesome meal planner sheets to print out

heres the one I am using

and here are the rest,

I think this is going to help me tremendously!!

Planning ahead might just be the key Ive been looking for.

When Rob is home we tend to eat out a lot or order in, because we fail at planning ahead.

And when its the last minute I can never think of something to make. So I just make whatever is easy.

This way we have a plan, its set out, I will buy all the things we need ahead of time.

And it leaves no room for error.

Im even trying to plan what snacks to have and giving myself some slack on special days.

I think I can really do it this way!

Im excited again, finally :D

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Todays plan is to de clutter my bedroom.

Do a exercise video at some point today.

And finish up the laundry.

This is what I had for breakfast.

Eggwhites, with onion and celery chopped up (had left overs from the unslopppy joes) on whole wheat bread with a slice of ham and some grapes, water, and coffee of course! Should have been in my new owl mug!! :P

................

I never updated that Rob did in fact get the job at the other mine, they had told him that he would be able to work on the same shift as him mom. And that would put him on the right shift to be home for Christmas finally. He has missed the past 3. It would also mean he was home during our trip to the Dominican this April. BUT he is not on that shift... and they are being complete douche bags about helping switch his shift. So needless to say he is not happy, and may not stick around there very long.

..................

With the help of my mom chipping in half the ticket price, I put some money aside, and am planning a secret trip to Yellowknife in October to surprise my sister, who just had another baby <3

This is her 5th child, 2 of which are twin girls!

Anyways Im super excited that I can go see my new nephew.

between her and my sister in law I have 6 nieces and had only one nephew lol so Im happy to have another nephew :)

Day 3

Today was a great day.
I didn't get any extra exercise in outside of cleaning the house/yard, but I did go to the spray park with the boys today and enjoyed what is probably the last day of warmth for a while.
We also went to Chapters and I bought a couple new books (and bookmarks),  Im hoping that my night time eating can be diminished by burying my head in a book until I can't keep my eyes open anymore :)

also.. I want one of these mugs badly, I just couldn't bring myself to spend the $18 on ANOTHER coffee mug.. not to mention I felt like if I bought one, well I needed to buy it in every color lol but now that Im looking at it again, I think I'm gonna go buy one, just one.. tomorrow lol... 

What color should I buy?

Ate good today, and supper was really good. Oven roasted potatoes with mixed veggies and Chicken with italian shake n bake, noms.

Tomorrow Im gonna start going back to the gym, I miss it. And I need it.

And Im also gonna go visit Sabrina :D

Give yourself the best gift update: Week 1

Week 1 update:


You can see my action plan here : Best gift challenge


Basically I failed at all things this past week. Im only on day 3 of being back on plan and kicking ass. So next weeks update will be much better I promise.

Day 2

I have decided to focus on all things good.

Linda, I will be nicer to me, I promise! I will make us both proud, we will make us both proud. Im already so proud of you! We can do this together!! <3

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post and even those who just read it and didn't comment. Knowing I have support and people who encourage me time after time, makes me feel like I can do this, even if I have attempted it 1862389162401938469 times, this might be the time that I get it right!
I love you all!!

So I am recommitting myself.
I finally watched Biggest loser last night, and like always, it made me cry.
I have always KNOWN that this life style will ultimately kill me.. but I don;t think I ever really thought about it, if that makes sense. Rob always tells me he doesn't care how I look, he just wants me to be around for our kids and him. I heard him when he said it but I never really thought about it in a real way.
But hearing and seeing these people talk about not being around for their children hit home.
I really DO want to be here, I want to live!
And Im slowly killing myself. Its suicide, the slowest form of suicide, but still will end up with the same affect in the end.
I don't want that to happen.
I am going to start living, living cause I want to be alive not because I am here.

Day 1

I sit here wanting to write so much but not knowing where to start right now.

I'll just get down to the bottom of things.
I have let myself go again, I have gained a bunch of weight back, and I feel absolutely gross.
Im so sick of failing at this. I feel so sorry for myself and then I do nothing to change it, wtf!?
I'm constantly looking for the answer to "WHY?"  why do I do this to myself? Why do I always turn to food? Why can't I beat this!?
I have done much harder things in my life, like standing up to the man who sexually abused me.
Forgiving certain people who have wronged me.
Raising little boys.
But I just haven't been able to beat this battle with my weight.

Im committing again.. Even I don't really believe me at this point.. maybe thats my problem, I need some self esteem again. I need to find me, and be me. Not just be a lonely miners wife, not just be a SAHM, but find who I am, who I am meant to be, who I am proud to be. And don;t get me wrong I am proud to be a miners wife and a mom of my gorgeous little boys. But I need more.. I have needed more for a long time and I just kinda gave up on myself.

I don't feel attractive, and its causing issues between my husband and I.
I have always had issues being intimate because of what happened to me when I was younger. Any time I was remotely intimate with anyone thoughts about what happened to me popped into my head, but I got so good at putting it in the back of my mind and "faking" enjoyment.
It wasn't until I was with Rob that I finally got to feel what it was like to have these moments and not feel like I had to fake anything, and not feel disgusted by the fact that that man ruined me.
Since going to court and pressing charges on him all those feelings and thoughts have come back.
I am not so good at pushing it to the back of my mind anymore, and it has ruined many nights where my husband has tried to be intimate.
I recently had a really long talk with Rob about it, and he didn't realize that it was affecting me so much, he said he thought he was able to make me feel as comfortable as possible and not have to think about that stuff. But I do think about it, every time! Sometimes I can get rid of the thought pretty quick, but ffs, I shouldn't have to think about it at all!
It's not fair.

Im struggling with the fact that we pressed charges on him at all at this point. Because its been so drug out, and Yes he was found guilty but he is appealing it. He was sentenced to 2 years for me AND my sister, so he would serve the time for what he did to her and I at the same time!! That belittles me to no end, we are separate people. Just because we are sisters doesn't mean he didn't ruin to little girls lives!!
And he got half a year for the other girl. Technically he got one year for her but since he was in jail for 3 months while the trial was happening it counts as double time served so he will only have to serve another 6 months for her.
Its disgusting.
And to top that off, he is out free right now because they appealed. The don't even have an appeal date set, and might not until sometime in November. So he was found guilty, but is out doing his normal routine.
He had help from people in his town and got a new fancy lawyer to appeal the case. His lawyer is going to try and get him 2 years less a day, which means he wouldn't have to go to the pen, and he wouldn't be a registered sex offender.
I have no words for this...

Anyways, I try to push this all to the back of my mind but it seriously eats at me everyday.
I like I stood up for myself and I am proud of what we all did. And I know that THAT should be the most important thing, but its just drug up all these feelings that I pushed away and thought I had gotten through and it just feels like this isn;t going to pass.
I just want to go back to before the whole court thing and act like it doesn't hurt anymore.


I had more to talk about but I'm pretty drained at this point.. so maybe I will post again later..

I are back.

I have actually been back for like a week now.. my bad.
I did pretty good for the first week of the cleanse.. and am actually sticking to the whole organic foods plan for majority of my foods/drinks. but for me, I honestly think it's unrealistic to eat organic and natural ALL the time. So with that being said. getting back to reality when I got home, I forgot to take my cleanse pills a couple nights in a row, and figured. Oh well. I already felt great after a week. I liked the fact that I am now eating majority of my foods organic/natural. And I lost 3.6lbs in that week without working out AT ALL! So I definitely restarted my body and cleaned out the bad stuff, which is what I wanted to do.
Now I will continue to eat this way and try to always go natural if I have the option, but lets face it, sometimes there just isn't that option, and I'm not gonna beat myself up for it if I am doing so well.

I will be starting to get back to the gym everyday starting Monday.
We are going to be spending the day tomorrow with our nieces while my SIL is being trained for work.

Rob is currently JOBLESS!!! he works underground at a diamond mine and applied for work at another mine, he "has" the job, but they are taking their sweet ass time getting him his letter of offer.
The only issue we are having is the schedule. They have yet to give him an actual offer for him to sign, but the last time he talked to them they wanted him on the opposite schedule that they originally talked about, which would mean he misses Christmas this year (and that would be 4 Christmas in a row) so obviously we were REALLY looking forward to that. It would also mean that he would have to take time off work for our trip to the Dominican in April. Which he may not be able to do given the fact that he will be a "newbie". Im just realllly hoping they work around the schedule he wants!


Anyways, I feel like I had more to say but apparently I do not lol, so talk to you guys tomorrow :D

brb

Going to Saskatoon for the weekend will be back Monday, take care <3