Thank You

I just want to start today's post by saying thank you to everyone who replied to my last post.

It really lifted my spirits :)

Thank you!!

Yesterday I was still feeling blahish and super tired.. I had a late night and early morning. Had to pick my sisters fiance up at the airport last night for 10pm. Didn't get home till after 11:30, and had to drive him back to the airport at 8:30. Then a little later we went to Costco. I always spend way too much money there lol

We ate lunch at East Side Mario's. I ordered a grilled chicken Caesar salad with light dressing.. barely ate a 1/4 of it, cause I did have some of the free bread lol noms!

Dinner was Pork chop, corn on the cob and garlic roasted asparagus.

And wine :)

Dessert was a fruit salad.

I did go to the gym last night, even though I had to seriously drag my ass there and complain to Rob the whole time I was getting ready lol

But I WENT, even though I didn't want to

and even though I had no energy.

Woot.

Going to Ikea shortly and will get to the gym either right after we get back or after I pick Aiden up from school.

I will try to catch up on everyones blogs tonight too, I haven't been able to read any the past couples days.

I know I have not been posting my "What I'm grateful for" at the end of my posts lately.. /failbomb lol

So today I am grateful for my new attitude, screw being a grump, today I want to make everyone around me happier with a happy attitude.

P.s. I added a facebook badge on my page, so feel free to add me :) Just let me know you are doing so, so I add ya back.

*sigh*

Meant to post last night, but I was tired, so tired.

I had a pretty typical day, but I just felt off all day.

Don't really know what my issue was, but I was in a "special" mood all day.

Atreyu started his swimming class.

He loves it. He did so much better this time, felt so much more comfortable and willing to learn.

We came with him to the first class but from now on (unless I want to go) I will use the time that he is at swimming to head over to the gym.

Had a ham sandwich, pickles and fruit salad for lunch.

Pork chop, 1/2 c. of rice and some corn for dinner.

We did make it to the gym. I did my 30 minutes of cardio, and 30 minutes of weights.

I think I am gonna start changing it up next week though. Maybe start using the elliptical.

Ugh I still feel like today is gonna be the same kinda day..

I feel really stressed out lately.

Money, I fucking hate money.

Everything revolves around it.

Its not like we are broke, we have money, we have nice things.

But you can never have enough. Once you get to the point of living a certain way its hard to go back to simpler times.. and sometimes, I just want those simple times back.

I'm stressed because my birthday is coming up (March 5th) and I'm not stressed about getting older. but it means that I am THAT much closer to our court date (March 21st).

If you don't know what court is for you can read about it here

I was able to put the nervous feelings to the back of my mind for a long time, but I feel them all pouring out now, and I feel helpless again, and I hate that feeling.

The thought about what happened and how I have to face him again is swallowing me whole.

And the fact that now he either gets sentenced or set free.

Set free.

There is a possibility that he will be set free and not have to serve any time for what he did to us.

Sometimes I think I would rather have done nothing and not had to face him, and not know whether he was alive or dead or in jail already, than risk the possibility of coming forward and nothing being done.

I now know that he went on to live his life and really didn't care what happened to us and really didn't care how something a grown man did to 3 little girls would affect them for the rest of their lives.

Really.. FUCK YOU!

Sometimes I actually find it hard to breathe thinking about it.

A little piece of me is hoping he pleads guilty at the last minute in hopes of getting a lesser charge, but he is a coward and I don't think he will face what he did honestly.

I think most of all I want to see some kind of remorse, some feeling from him in some way.

To know that he isn't sorry for what he did after all this time, kills me.

People say the best thing you can do is forgive the person who wronged you.

They say that if you forgive them you are doing something for yourself.

I say fuck that!

That man deserves NO forgiveness.

The best thing I could do for myself if he asked for my forgiveness is to say NO.

Finally so no.

One mistake...

I haven't been updating, but like I said in my last post I haven't been neglecting my health, just my blog :P

WI was this morning and I am down another 2.3lbs!! YAY.

I have 0.3 lbs to go to reach my 10% goal!!

I have been doing extremely well going to the gym, even on days I don't want to go.. I still go!

Rob has been great to have around too, cause if we are busy during the day I still have someone here to watch the kids so I can go at night. And when we plan to go during the day he's great to work out with! He has lost over 25lbs.. and is in awesome shape. He was never a big guy weight wise, and always had muscly arms, but now I see it in his shoulders, legs and abs! I love it. I'll try to get some pictures of him and find some before(ish) pictures too.

I like that he feels good about himself.. and that he supports me in my journey also, it makes it a lot easier on me.

So I have almost lost the same amount of weight that my almost 4 year old weighs!

I almost lost that kid! Holy balls! Yeah he's a skinny little guy but if I try to carry him around all day I would die lol... and I WAS carrying him around all day!

I still have sooooooooooooo far to go, but I can't really focus on that. I am so extremely proud of myself for getting here, I can't wait to feel how proud I will be towards the end, or even just when people start noticing the weight coming off.

I know you can't really see it yet, but hell, I can FEEL it.

I feel lighter, I don't hurt in the morning, I have so much more energy, and I'm just happier!

Just to be happy and proud of myself after hating myself for so long is the best feeling ever.

I'm learning to control my eating behaviours, and I can catch myself when I am going to lose control to my emotional eating.

Yeah, some days I am not happy

Yeah, some days I want to cry, and I do!

But I say fuck it and don't let it ruin what I have been working so hard to get to.

All it takes is one thing to throw my mind off track and in the past I let one bad food choice ruin a whole day, and then a day turns into a couple days and before you know it it's a year later.

That is not going to happen this time.

One mistake doesn't mean I have to let it spiral out of control.

One mistake means I must try harder next time and move on .

One mistake doesn't have control over me.

One mistake doesn't put me two steps backwards,

it just means I make the choice to move in the right direction with the next step.

O Hai

I haven't been neglecting my health, just my blog! lol
Will update tonight though!

Short post

Once again, Rob is sleeping... fml lol.. stupid night shift!

Short post today, I'm tired as well.

Went to the gym did 5.8 miles (30 minutes) on the bike, and 25 minutes of weight machines.

Breakfast: celery, kiwi, and eggbeaters(cheese and chives) on toast (with a little butter).. had to use White bread because my WW bread was old :( I can never finish a whole loaf to myself without it going bad, I wish they made smaller loafs lol

Had a ham sandwich, peppers, and a cheese string for lunch.

And had pizza for dinner. I don't feel bad about the pizza, I have been doing really well.. and I only had 2 pieces. Counted my points and feel fine.

I won't be eating it often though.. I haven't eaten crap in a while and I can feel the affect it is having on my stomach already.

Oh before I go, I have to share. Atreyu was watching me doing crunches this morning, and I started doing reverse crunches, so he lays beside me and asks how to do what I'm doing. So I lift his legs to show him how to do it, and I tell him he's supposed to use his stomach muscles to do it.

He says " Ohhhhhh, well, I only have 2, so I don't think I can do it!" LOL so cute.

I forgot to do my "What I am grateful for" post yesterday so I will post 2 things today.

I'm grateful for the fact that I have my husband, even though he has been going to bed early, I'm grateful to have him home.

I'm also grateful for my gym membership, my body hurts daily, but feels more alive now then it has in awhile!!

Home alone... kinda

I didn't have time to go to the gym today, but that's OK cause now that I know I can do daycare at the gym on Saturdays, I will probably be doing Sunday and Tuesday as my days off from now on.

Robs home.. but the first day is usually a let down cause he is always soo tired.. he was on night shift this time so he hadn't slept in 24 hours.. the poor guy couldn't make it to supper time.. he has been sleeping since around an hour after I picked him up lol.

I did however have to wake him up after dinner for a bit, because Aiden had a crazyy ass nosebleed!

He used to get nosebleeds quite often (not sure why) but never this bad!

It was gushing out for a good 5 minutes before a massive clot came out.. like the size of my pinky...It freaked me out! I have never seen a clot that big, let alone one that came out of my sons nose :( .. and after the clot the gushing continued for about 10 minutes more and in that time another smaller clot came out.. ugh.

Poor guy.. had blood in his mouth and all over him.

And now that's enough talk about blood because I am getting nauseous again just thinking about it!

Kind of a boring day today actually. Meh.

Had a banana and a bowl of raisin bran for breakfast.

And here is my lunch

Peppers, some kiwi

and a salad.

Dinner was Turkey cutlet, asparagus, corn, and green beans.

I'm bored.. my husband is home.. and I'm still alone :(  blah..

I made a chore chart the other day for the boys, they will get a quarter for every sticker they have on their chart at the end of the week.

So far this is working amazingly!

Its even gotten Atreyu to stop saying bad things.

He has been in a stage where he has been saying he hates me lately, every time he gets mad he "HATES" whatever it is that made him mad.

And so far he has been catching himself and not saying it.

It makes my life sooo much easier when my kids behave

and clean up after themselves.. its awesome lol

Im my own Valentine today

 Hello lovelies.

I had my WI this morning and I am down 1.6 this week.

I'm happy with that, since this week was my TOM.

I want a big number on the scale next week so I started my week off great today.

Went to the gym and I usually go on the bike for 25-30 minutes and in that time I usually do about 4-5 miles.

Today I was having a hard time getting past the first 10 minutes.. seriously debated whether I should finish the 25 minutes I planned.. I was talking myself into just doing 20 minutes, and I would make up for it another day.. but then something amazing happened.. I talked myself out of giving up!

I finished 40 minutes, and 7.7 miles at a higher resistance than normal, just to prove to myself that I have more in me than I let myself realize.

I'm starting to not be my own worst enemy, I'm kinda my friend now lol

I encouraged myself and pushed myself and I did more than I thought I could.

What a great Valentines gift I gave me!

Didn't do anything else for V-Day, since Rob isn't home till tomorrow.. and probably won't do anything special tomorrow.. but after not having my husband home and him being away from me for 2 weeks, sex will be had.

After 2 weeks of no husband, I will be so happy to have him home because...

So My brother is getting married in either Jamaica or The Dominican Easter of 2012.

Rob and I decided that we won't be taking the kids, for many reasons.

Money being a big one, but also, we never got a honey moon, we have never been out of Canada.

Rob works away from home in a diamond mine in the middle of the Arctic Tundra and I think he freakin deserves a nice vacation with no kids (although I'm sure he would enjoy having them there also), with his wife who will by that time be much smaller.

I deserve some time away from my kids, with my husband who is only here half the month.

BUT my mother and my sister apparently feel the need to try and guilt trip me into taking the kids.

"Think of all the memories and pictures we will have, and the only people missing from them will be YOUR kids"....

eff that.

I don't want to feel bad about not taking them..

in fact I had to say FINE I will think about it, just to shut my sister up lol

But honestly.. if I want to be responsible with my money and not take the kids to another country with me for THAT trip, then let it go.. let me be ok with that!

You know, even If we can afford to take the kids, I think I would rather not (for the reasons I listed above).

We talked to Aiden about it and we will be taking them on a road trip to Canada's Wonderland that summer, I'm pretty sure my kids won't feel left out, in fact they both said they would rather do the road trip.

 Anyways.....

Today I am grateful for myself.. and all the new things I am learning about me :)

They always say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.

Yup, just wanted to say I appreciate all the encouragement and the inspiration I get from you guys!

I start my morning by sitting at my computer or laptop with my morning coffee, reading your blogs so that I am inspired for the rest of the day.

Seriously, thank you!

Bought a new shirt yesterday, still in the same size I always wear, but it fit differently.. I need my stomach/hips to lose more weight so I can fit the next size down.. and so they catch up to my shrinking boobage ffs.. seriously, do I HAVE to lose the boobs FIRST? I understand they will shrink, but couldn't I lose the fat somewhere else first? lol gah!

Had an awesome work out yesterday.. I love when I push myself and prove that I CAN do more than I did the day before, and I love when I hurt the next day, sucker for punishment apparently lol

You know some days I feel like I should really have lost more, given my size. I feel like I should be losing easily over 2lbs per week.. but I'm not.. well not every week.

Sometimes it just sucks to know my SIL, (who is also doing WW) who is much smaller than me and only has about 30lbs to lose, continually is losing over 2lbs per week. And she NEVER works out (as far as I know) although she is breastfeeding.

Although it sucks to be losing less than her almost every week, I know i am gaining muscle in the process.. and I KNOW I am losing weight.. my measurements show it, my clothes fitting differently proves it also.

Since my heaviest weight I have lost 10.7 inches..that's awesome!

This was my dinner last night, the salmon was SOOOO good.

 Im having left over salmon tonight with asparagus and brussel sprouts.

This was lunch - greek salad, with light greek dressing.. no olives.. forgot I bought some lol

Me and the boys went out this afternoon for a walk to the park..

it was gorgeous out AGAIN, so I couldn't waste the weather,

and took advantage of  it since I wasn't able to go to the gym today (no daycare on Sundays).

(The sun was all up in muh face so don't mind the glare I'm giving you)

Then the boys and I watched Toy Story 3 for the 816237160360 time.

Made some popcorn and had a diet pop since I was craving something sweet.

The pop totally did it for me since I never drink pop.

_______________________________________

From now on I am going to post something I am grateful for everyday.

Today I am grateful for the weather.. I cannot wait for summer, and all the possibilities the nice weather brings!

P.S. I loove this top!

Just keep on going..

I haven't posted since I got back, not really sure what is going on with me the past few days. I haven't been eating that great, and I hadn't made it to the gym since I had been home, although I did go today, and will go tomorrow.

I do have my period, and I have been SUPER tired the past few days.. but Im trying to get back into the swing of things and eat well and work out. I ate good today, and worked out, so Im happy with that, I just hope I can make up for the past few days this weekend.
The weather was amazing today!! I love the melting snow!
And 4 more days till I have my husband back *squee*

Lunch was light, had some yogurt with a plate of blueberries and some kiwi .. noms!

Dinner was honey baked chicken, some rice and veggies

Had some pop chips for a snack while watching 90210

Got some great news today, won't go into the details, but we have been waiting for this for a long time!

It feels good to be on a path to where we want to be, and to be on a healthier path aswell just makes it that much more special for me.

I can't wait to see where I am this time next year.

Of course my good news was followed by a very crappy email.. One that I knew I should have just deleted before opening.. but because I like to torture myself I read it anyways.. and oh what do you know.. I felt like complete shit afterwards.

I don't understand how people can only view things from their perspective.. maybe its because I am a very empathetic/compassionate/sympathetic person that I always try and put myself in the other persons shoes before judging or before thinking that my situation is any worse than theirs. I just don't get why people feel the need to belittle others, based on their own insecurities, and their own pain.

Does it really make you feel better to hurt me?

I bet it doesn't!

I know it doesn't!

And I will go to sleep tonight knowing I am better than you, and forgiving you for your ignorance.

*sigh*

Moving on is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.

Got back from Saskatoon today.

The funeral was yesterday, prayers and viewing were on Sunday. I have never wanted someone to wake up more than I did on Sunday.

I feel really bad that I got to leave there and go back to my regular life, while everyone who knew him and had him physically in their lives on a daily basis can never do that again.

I just wish I could fix everything for Karen.. take her hurt away.

Not much to post about since I just got back.. but I did have my weekly WI and I am

down 3.5lbs this week.

2.3lbs to go until im into the 250's and out of the 260's.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

Atreyu is still sick, think he has pink eye also... damn gym daycare kids (lol).

So he has been getting the pink eye, eye drops today , no medicine though since his fever is gone.

But that means no gym again today. Worked out at home again though.

Only took a pic of my lunch today
Homemade pizza, whole wheat pita, pizza sauce, tomato, slice of ham,pineapple, mushrooms
and mozza cheese, very good. Plus a glass of low cal Cranberry juice.

We leave for Sask, tomorrow morning. I have to drive an hour out to the airport to pick up My mom and my uncle Ed. Their flight gets in at 10 so I have to leave by 9.. sooner if I want to gas up before the airport and grab a Timmies coffee and breakfast for the boys.

I still need to

• Finish packing, which includes my stuff, boys bag, bathroom stuff.
• Pack the snack bag: Already cut up some peppers and celery for me to snack on on the drive. Need to find granola bars and whatnot for the boys.
• Make sandwiches for me, the boys, mom, and uncle Ed.
• Take garbage out.
• Do the dinner dishes

I think the funeral is Monday, so I believe we will be leaving Tuesday morning.. although I haven't even talked to my mom at all today, which is odd since I pick her up in the morning :S

I kinda pigged out tonight, after doing well all day. I even packed up all of the goodie bags for Aiden's classmates for V-Day today without eating any candy or chocolate. Drank more than enough water today.. Ate when I was supposed to.. but tonight I just feel really anxious .. I don't know.. I feel like I want to help my aunt, but I don't know what to even say. I'm hoping just being there is going to help in some way. But if I were in her position I don't even know if I would want people around. Plus I'm bringing children.. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, they could be a good distraction for her, but at the same time maybe she doesn't want kids around right now.

*SIGH*

I think I'm gonna get up early and do the 30 day shred video. I haven't gone to the gym in 2 days and I think that might have added to me pigging out a bit tonight.

Here are some pictures from today, had fun packing up all the goodie bags with Atreyu. Aiden still has to write in the V-Day cards and put them in the bags.

Also had heart suckers and chocolate hearts on the bags

Night

Foods, and workout.

Breakfasts

Today: Whole wheat toast with a little butter, some celery, and a yogurt.

Yesterday: WW Whole wheat toast with a tbsp peanut butter

and No Sugar added jam, orange and blueberries.

Tuesday: Green Monster - Low fat milk, plain low fat yogurt,

frozen strawberries, banana and a cup of spinach.

Lunch and snack

Obviously I didn't eat these like this lol but I didn't take a picture after I cut them up.

I have been snacking on peppers for the past few days.. and celery since I bought a crap load of it on sale.

Lunch yesterday was a turkey sandwich with mustard, Tomato, and lettuce.

With some grapes

Missed lunch today.. had a nap with my little sick man, Atreyu.

Dinner

Yesterday I had a PC chicken burger with a slice of Fat free mozzarella topped with a

slice of tomato and some pepper, in a lettuce bun.. so good!

And some Green Giant Essentials mixture (see below)

Also SOO good.

Tonight I had the left over chicken burger and Green Giant mixture

with some garlic roasted asparagus (my fav).

Like I said earlier, Atreyu was sick today, woke up with a bad cough and fever.

So I didn't make it to the gym, which double sucks cause I was supposed to go with Sabrina and Jenn :(

But I did work out at home. Thank goodness I have a collection of workout dvd's.

I also did some free weights and crunches.



RIP Larry

My uncle had a heart attack today ..and didn't make it...he was 58
I don't really know what to say about it.

Saturday we are going to leave to go to Saskatoon again.. to be with family.. no news on a funeral or anything just yet..and I haven't wanted to ask, but I want to be there with them. I feel sooo extremely hurt for my Aunt. I wish I knew what to do to help her. I can't even imagine losing your spouse. And he helped her with so much. I don't know what I would do in her situation.

The last time I saw him I gave him a hug and told him I loved him.. so Im glad I have that.

Nothing else today is as important as this..  so I will post tomorrow.

FIF (Fit in February)

I meant to post last night but I went to lay in bed and watch the Biggest Loser and fell asleep after.

I started a challenge on a website I frequent. Its a month long challenge and I or someone else will hopefully start another in March too, but this one we are supposed to post how much we want to lose for February I said 8 lbs.. 2 lbs per week is acceptable for me.. I just really need to crack down on my snacking.

And also how many minutes of exercise we would like to get in this month. I said 1200.. that's working out 5 days a week for an hour.. I may get more than this, but I know I will at least get 1200, and sometimes life happens and you don't make it to the gym so hopefully I can continue to go and get in my minutes.

So after my workout yesterday I am at 90/1200 minutes, ahead of schedule since I stayed at the gym for an extra half hour. And I owe that to my cute little motivator Atreyu. He always gets mad that he isn't in his "School" long enough when I go to the gym. In fact he told me the other day that I didn't need to pack him a snack, because he doesn't have time to eat.. if he eats he can't play long enough lol.. poor guy, so I stayed an extra half hour.. and guess what.. he was still mad at me when I picked him up lol, ya can't win! I can't wait till he starts school, he's gonna love it.

I made Talapia last night with brown rice and green beans

Looks good right!?.. yeah well it was not!!

I think the fish was just gross.. nothing I could have done to it would make it taste good, it had a fish tank kinda taste.. YUCK! And I am not a fan of brown rice..I think I will stick to smaller portions of white for now.

I'm gonna go to a different gym with my friend Sabrina tomorrow :) Excited about that, plus I miss her and her daughter Nina, so it will be nice to have a visit afterwards too!