If you hadn't notcied the ticker on the bottom right side of my page, it's for my brothers wedding in April.. in the Dominican!
I am a bridesmaid in the wedding...
Me+dress= big fat mess!
And tonight I went into the bridal house to try on a dress and order mine..
They didn't have any in my size.. but it wasn't just cause im huge, they only had ONE in store anyways.
But I did have to get measured by 2 tiny little women, younger and MUCH smaller than me.
She could barely get her arms around my boobs and she acted soo awkward about it lol the poor girl, she kept apologizing for touching them, and I just said "It's ok, they are always in my way too."
It was kinda humiliating though, being measured by girls who probably will never be any where near this size.
She had to ask certain questions in regards to the size I will be during the wedding.
Like am I pregnant or am I trying? HELL NO! lol
Am I on any diet plans and which one? (really? you need to know which one?) Yes, well kinda, Im eating better and working out more.
How much do you want to lose by the wedding? How much do I WANT to lose or how much am I more than likely at a reasonable rate GOING to lose?
she just laughed....
so I panicked and said 50lbs
The look on her face! I don't think she herself weighed much more than 50 lbs so to her 50 lbs was SOOOO much, she was shocked that it would even be possible to lose it, which made me more embarrassed.
And then she had to repeat back my measurements.... lovely..
I kinda pretended I didn't care and wasn't shocked at all by the number. I mean I have measured myself and I know how big I am, but to have her literally write it down and point it out and then show me the size of dress I would need on the chart, and have the dress be the second biggest POSSIBLE size.. was rough, I'm not gonna lie.
And the main issue I have with the dress is exactly what I was expecting.. it's too short.
I have massive legs, and I am ok with showing calf, I have gotten over my fear of that, but this is above the knee and have fat that kinda hangs around my knees.. no one wants to see that shit.
Ugh....
I'm soooo not looking forward to this.
Even if (not if, I will) I lose the weight I want to lose by that may not fix my fat leg problem, in fact it could be worse, not fatter, just looser, the skin may just be uglier and looser and the problem may be worse.
Aaand here I am again stressing over something that may not even be an issue, if I look on the positive side, If I stick to plan and am smaller I may even want to show off my legs, I may be smaller than I had hoped. Time to stop stressing about what might be, and the things that could happen, and just kick ass and work hard and deal with it when I am there.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
The real you..
So I need to start this blog by saying, wow!
I recently started following a new blog Starting at 500 pounds.
This blog belongs to a man named Mike and his wife Karlie.
I had literally read one post by each of them and was crying.
Karlie's post Here, really hit me hard. It talks about how she struggled many times and would always end up in the same spot. She lost the "real her" and wanted herself back.
"A little while after that I found it. I found a place inside of me where I started to believe in myself again.
Maybe you are are searching for your "real" self again, or maybe you have already found that in our journey, you aren't oblivious because you are reading this. Who is the "real" you? Imagine yourself at your best."
I didn't realize, I thought I did have a good grasp on myself and thought I knew the real me in a way. But I really don't, this is not me.
I KNOW I can do better than this, I know I don't need to fail every time I start over. This time is the LAST time I start over. And I'm not talking about little mishaps along the way I mean looking at the big picture, achieving what I have been trying to achieve for sooo long. Being healthy and happy, and in return losing weight.
Anyways, the reason I said "Wow!" was because I apparently had inspired HER! Really? little ol' me!? lol
It actually moved me to tears (again!! lol).
She said
"Reading over at Life as a Fat Girl definitely inspired this post. As I read all about Ayla I was empowered by her story, and it made me want to be a better person."
I made someone want to be better? maybe its the fact that she doesn't personally know me and she just read my "story" but it really moved me. And just think, if I over come this battle I am having with myself and my weight, maybe I can inspire someone else as well. That would seriously be the biggest gift I could give myself!
I Will get there, and I will fight hard to get there!
I recently started following a new blog Starting at 500 pounds.
This blog belongs to a man named Mike and his wife Karlie.
I had literally read one post by each of them and was crying.
Karlie's post Here, really hit me hard. It talks about how she struggled many times and would always end up in the same spot. She lost the "real her" and wanted herself back.
"A little while after that I found it. I found a place inside of me where I started to believe in myself again.
Maybe you are are searching for your "real" self again, or maybe you have already found that in our journey, you aren't oblivious because you are reading this. Who is the "real" you? Imagine yourself at your best."
I didn't realize, I thought I did have a good grasp on myself and thought I knew the real me in a way. But I really don't, this is not me.
I KNOW I can do better than this, I know I don't need to fail every time I start over. This time is the LAST time I start over. And I'm not talking about little mishaps along the way I mean looking at the big picture, achieving what I have been trying to achieve for sooo long. Being healthy and happy, and in return losing weight.
Anyways, the reason I said "Wow!" was because I apparently had inspired HER! Really? little ol' me!? lol
It actually moved me to tears (again!! lol).
She said
"Reading over at Life as a Fat Girl definitely inspired this post. As I read all about Ayla I was empowered by her story, and it made me want to be a better person."
I made someone want to be better? maybe its the fact that she doesn't personally know me and she just read my "story" but it really moved me. And just think, if I over come this battle I am having with myself and my weight, maybe I can inspire someone else as well. That would seriously be the biggest gift I could give myself!
I Will get there, and I will fight hard to get there!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Joined a new challenge
This challenge is called
And it was started over at "LESS of Me, More of Him".
It doesn't officially start until September 18th and runs until December 31st.
"The point of this challenge is to be mindful all through the Fall and the Holiday Season ahead, be mindful of what you really want."
So as part of the challenge I must write out a statement of what I really want to give myself this holiday season.
So here we go.
MY STATEMENT:
At the end of the holiday season, I would like to know without a doubt that I gave my all. That I made the right choices in regards to food and activity.
I want to have dropped some lbs by that time also.
But I'm not gonna sit down like I normally do and calculate how much I want to lose int hat time, because that always sets me up for failure. Im just going to do my best and accept the results.
I' am also supposed to write out 7 action points (ways I will work toward this gift to myself).
1. If the kids ask to go for a walk or to the park, I won't say no (unless they are grounded lol). If I'm lazy and Rob wants to go to the gym with me, I will always go!
2. I will get some form of activity in every day (biking, swimming, walking, going to the gym).
3. I will ALWAYS push myself, even if its only a couple extra seconds of a workout, I will strive to be better every time I do something.
4. I will blog more!!
5. I will drink my 8 or more glasses of water a day, and stay away from diet pops.
6. Stay within my calories.
7. I will make conscious choices about the foods that go into my body, I will feed it to fuel it.
And it was started over at "LESS of Me, More of Him".
It doesn't officially start until September 18th and runs until December 31st.
"The point of this challenge is to be mindful all through the Fall and the Holiday Season ahead, be mindful of what you really want."
So as part of the challenge I must write out a statement of what I really want to give myself this holiday season.
So here we go.
MY STATEMENT:
At the end of the holiday season, I would like to know without a doubt that I gave my all. That I made the right choices in regards to food and activity.
I want to have dropped some lbs by that time also.
But I'm not gonna sit down like I normally do and calculate how much I want to lose int hat time, because that always sets me up for failure. Im just going to do my best and accept the results.
I' am also supposed to write out 7 action points (ways I will work toward this gift to myself).
1. If the kids ask to go for a walk or to the park, I won't say no (unless they are grounded lol). If I'm lazy and Rob wants to go to the gym with me, I will always go!
2. I will get some form of activity in every day (biking, swimming, walking, going to the gym).
3. I will ALWAYS push myself, even if its only a couple extra seconds of a workout, I will strive to be better every time I do something.
4. I will blog more!!
5. I will drink my 8 or more glasses of water a day, and stay away from diet pops.
6. Stay within my calories.
7. I will make conscious choices about the foods that go into my body, I will feed it to fuel it.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Something for you
Im feeling pretty great today. Things seem easy today (hope that lasts).
I haven't eaten anything "bad" today, stayed within my calories at every meal.
Did a lot of cleaning today which Im saying is my exercise for the day because it was literally almost all day long. And I'm beat.
Tomorrow I'm starting a cleanse.
This cleanse actually, First Cleanse.
My friend Sabrina told me she was starting it and gave me some info and I decided to buy it too, so we are both starting tomorrow.
Its pretty simple, just take one tablet in the morning with a glass if water 30 minutes before you eat or 3 hours after and take 2 at night with a glass of water and eat clean. So no processed foods. Which I should be doing anyways. but the fact that im actually doing something that instructs me to eat certain things makes me feel like I will actually stick to it lol
It lasts 15 days, so by the end of the 15 days, I know I will have more control and who knows how I will feel. I'm excited.
Not just about the cleanse. But about my new found motivation and strength.
I also want to let Sabrina know how much she motivates me ( I know you're reading this).
You keep going and keep pushing me and want good things for me and it fills my heart and makes me realize that I deserve to do this for myself. And that I can do this for myself. <3
I haven't eaten anything "bad" today, stayed within my calories at every meal.
Did a lot of cleaning today which Im saying is my exercise for the day because it was literally almost all day long. And I'm beat.
Tomorrow I'm starting a cleanse.
This cleanse actually, First Cleanse.
My friend Sabrina told me she was starting it and gave me some info and I decided to buy it too, so we are both starting tomorrow.
Its pretty simple, just take one tablet in the morning with a glass if water 30 minutes before you eat or 3 hours after and take 2 at night with a glass of water and eat clean. So no processed foods. Which I should be doing anyways. but the fact that im actually doing something that instructs me to eat certain things makes me feel like I will actually stick to it lol
It lasts 15 days, so by the end of the 15 days, I know I will have more control and who knows how I will feel. I'm excited.
Not just about the cleanse. But about my new found motivation and strength.
I also want to let Sabrina know how much she motivates me ( I know you're reading this).
You keep going and keep pushing me and want good things for me and it fills my heart and makes me realize that I deserve to do this for myself. And that I can do this for myself. <3
Friday, August 26, 2011
Thank You
Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom. I am struggling, but something in me keeps fighting.
I won't give up, I want this too badly. I just need to get through a few days of being on track and working out and I know I feel stronger again.
If I didn't have the support of my husband, friends and family, I would have completely given up on myself.
I just want you all to know how appreciative I am of your support and love.
I won't give up, I want this too badly. I just need to get through a few days of being on track and working out and I know I feel stronger again.
If I didn't have the support of my husband, friends and family, I would have completely given up on myself.
I just want you all to know how appreciative I am of your support and love.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Wow
It has been one month since I have posted, holy crap!!
I went on my trip to Saskatoon, and then came home for a week or so, and we went on our family vacation to BC for just over a week. I will post more about the trip later, cause I just want to get down to business now.
I really wasn't caring to much about what I ate and definitely haven't been to the gym in the past month!! I'm feeling gross and ashamed, and wanting to get back on board.
I haven't weighed myself, so I will do the official WI tomorrow. I know I have gained because I can see it, and feel it.
*sigh*
I don't know why I do this to myself.. I'm not sure I will ever know at this point.
But I just need to make some changes that will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.
I feel like I have been here so many times before, knowing what I need to do, but feeling like its so far from my reach. I wish I knew what was gonna make it click for me, and make this easy, or at least get to the point where I quit wanting the easy way out. I know its hard work and determination that will get me there, I know its not gonna be easy.. am I just forever lazy!?
I feel like I'm so close to falling into a depression again. Some days I really could sleep my life away.
I start everyday with the best intentions and then just give up on myself.
I need help.
I need to push myself, and this is my first attempt.
I went on my trip to Saskatoon, and then came home for a week or so, and we went on our family vacation to BC for just over a week. I will post more about the trip later, cause I just want to get down to business now.
I really wasn't caring to much about what I ate and definitely haven't been to the gym in the past month!! I'm feeling gross and ashamed, and wanting to get back on board.
I haven't weighed myself, so I will do the official WI tomorrow. I know I have gained because I can see it, and feel it.
*sigh*
I don't know why I do this to myself.. I'm not sure I will ever know at this point.
But I just need to make some changes that will be a part of my life for the rest of my life.
I feel like I have been here so many times before, knowing what I need to do, but feeling like its so far from my reach. I wish I knew what was gonna make it click for me, and make this easy, or at least get to the point where I quit wanting the easy way out. I know its hard work and determination that will get me there, I know its not gonna be easy.. am I just forever lazy!?
I feel like I'm so close to falling into a depression again. Some days I really could sleep my life away.
I start everyday with the best intentions and then just give up on myself.
I need help.
I need to push myself, and this is my first attempt.
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