Tomorrow will be a better day, and today will seem a mile away

I actually WANTED to go to the gym all weekend, I can't wait till Rob is home so I can just go when ever I feel like it, instead of when I have child care. 15 days till he gets home!!
I was so glad to get back to the gym this morning. I'm sure it was due to having a couple days off, but I was able to do an extra 10 minutes at a higher resistance on the bike today (higher by 4!!) And I could have probably gone longer but I only have an hour and that was 35 minutes of cardio.. and I wanted to do some weights and shiz too. Not to mention we are supposed to have a 30 minute limit to each machine.. and I went over that lol

Oh yeah and I had my WI today.. not as good as I hoped but I was down 1.8lbs this week. I'll take it I guess lol.. I mean it is a loss and a good one at that.. a sustainable amount.. but I fucked up..

I'm super stressed out and I pigged out today..see how I had the excuse as to why I pigged out before telling you I pigged out.. true addict right hurr.
I felt so great this morning after my workout.. I was sweatier than I have been in a long time and I felt like I was getting somewhere with my workout. I don't feel intimidated in the gym anymore, I feel like I have just as much a right to be there as the rest of the people. I know my way around the equipment like I own the joint. And I made it up the stairs to the gym today without needing to catch my breath at the top.. ALL GREAT THINGS! So why did I sabotage myself!?

Atreyu and I went to the grocery store after the gym and I loaded the cart with veggies and healthy stuffs.. I even planned on making fish brown rice and veggies for dinner. And I have been craving spinach dip with fresh bread for like that past week..and while at the grocery store I went and looked at the dips and breads.. I took a minute and was totally gonna buy some, and decided that I didn't want to waste my whole workout (plus some) on bread and dip.. I felt proud as I walked away.
15 minutes later I am down the chip aisle putting a bag .. ok 2 bags in the cart... thinking I will just have a few points worth and put them away.. I should be allowed to have SOME, I don't have to eat it all...
This is part of an addiction, talking myself into things and making myself think they are ok when I know damn well they are not.
I got home.. my house was a mess, I felt lazy.. I opened my bag of chips and pretty much ate the whole thing...I felt sick after, I wanted to go throw up.

I used to be bulimic and I still struggle with doing things the right way. It would be so easy for me to give in and binge and then go to my old friend in the bathroom and get rid of the guilt.. well the evidence not the guilt, the guilt never goes away.

Anyways.. I didn't throw up.. I decided to stay away from ONE addiction for the day.. ugh. What the hell is wrong with me? I had so much to be greatfull and proud of today and I ruined it for a bag of chips..

I am sick of feeling bad for the choices I make.. and I can blame the stress all I want but ultimately I  made the choice to put the chips in my mouth, I made the choice to buy the chips, Just like I made the choice to work out, I made the choice to drink my water, I made the choice to give my kids healthy food all day, I made the choices which have gotten me to 20+lbs lighter. And yet here I sit confessing to my wrongs for the day, getting hung up on the BAD, I beat myself up soo effing much I should be in the hospital.

At the end of it all. I do not hate myself today, today I learned alot about myself. Its ok to fall, but you have to get back up and make it count! And I Will. Fresh start tomorrow :)


Tomorrow will be a better day, and today will seem a mile away
(Rob always says that to the boys if they are having bad days)

Friend Makin Monday

This is my first FFM post.. been following for some time but only now decided to join in.


1) What is your favorite household chore?  And what is your least favorite?
Favorite chore? is this a trick question? lol Least favorite is probably the kitchen and anything to do with it.. I would seriously rather clean the bathroom.. not sure why.

2)What is your favorite city?
Saskatoon, Sask.. but I only say this because I have not travelled much lol

3) Have you found real love yet?
I believe so :) We have been through some really rough times and I can honestly say that we have been together for 8 years and I love him more today then when I first fell in love with him. There is something about growing up with a person and getting through all these trying experiences TOGETHER, that binds 2 people for ever.

4) What's one thing you eat almost everyday?
bananas or oranges or both lol

5) What was your last thought before falling asleep last night?
I hope I have a good poop in the morning.. WI day lol 

6) What's the worst injury you had as a child?
I cut my little toe wide open by dropping a plate on the floor and having it smash and as I tried to move a piece shot under my toe.

7) Will you/have you worked out today?
Yes I will! I have had the whole weekend off, and I am actually really happy I get to go to the gym today!

8) Do you tweet? If so, what's your name?
I do not

9) List three things you wouldn't want to live without:
My family, my camera, my computer

10) Hold old were you when you had your first kiss?
I have no clue honestly lol.. I blocked out alot of my childhood :(

Fml

What a lovely way to wake up, I had been tossing and turning because I had a headache. Only, not a regular headache, I sinus headache.. so moving makes it worse.. finally I couldn't sleep any longer. I had to get up and take something. So I hop out of bed, I think to myself *Man its cold in here* - mind you my room is always the coldest room in the house so not out of the norm. But as I am walking down the hallway the floor is FREEZING.. like I had to go back and get socks on and slippers because it was so cold.

I walk out towards the kitchen and check the thermostat.. its where it should be, so I turn it up thinking it must be extremely cold out.. NOTHING happens.. the furnace doesn't kick in... FML.. so I go look at the furnace, take the door off and listen.. no noise what so ever. At this point I had to run and get my sweater and housecoat, if it weren't for both my kids ending up in my bed with me last night I'm sure I would have noticed this coldness earlier. 

So I see a little on off switch.. try that.. nothing.. UGH. And of course this stuff happens when Rob is gone, just like my pipes freezing up last winter while he was gone, on 2 different occasions, or like when my hot water tank decided it was her turn to crap out, he was also gone then. I think I officially know how to fix everything in this house at this point because I have HAD to at least TRY to fix it at one point or another.

Anyways, there is still no heat in my house and its -24C (-11F) out, I go on facebook and post about it of course (lol) in hopes of someone knowing what to do before I call the over priced guys to come fix it on a Sunday. And in the meanwhile I go walk by it again to check on the boys and put an extra blanket or 2 on them.. and I try the on/off switch again.. and YIPPEE IT WORKS!! Thanks you baby Jesus. 

Its been on for the past hour now, but my house is still cold.. I'm sure it will take a while to heat it up at this point, but soo happy that I KNOW it's gonna be warm soon.

Yesterday I wasn't able to go to the gym.. I am not able to go to the gym on weekends while Rob is away, because they don't do child minding on weekends. /sadface

So I kinda just relaxed all day, but ate well.

Breakfast was a WW whole wheat slice of toast with salsa on it, some egg beaters with green onion chopped up and mixed in and part of Atreyu's orange lol

And here is Atreyu caught in the act of eating his breakfast on the couch lol

Dinner was Caramelized garlic chicken, asparagus and No Yolk pasta with sauce... Noms!!

I decided to have some dessert of my own since the boys had some chocolate cake. I had some 95% FF Cool Whip, half a banana, and a chocolate Vita Muffin Top.. soooo gooood

Oh and I just realized that I am officially down 20lbs from my heaviest weight, which was 287lbs

I found my old journal where I took my measurements then , and I found my measuring tape, so I will take my new measurements today and compare :)

A month in..

Im officially one month into my "life change" and I feel great. Sure I have days where I don't do as good as I hoped to do, but then I get over it, move on, and prove to myself that Im worth it anyways.

I went to the gym this afternoon, got a good sweat on. And then went swimming with the kidlets after the gym. It was great. Im not stuck at home feeling sorry for myself like I would be normally this time of year.
I just feel happy and in control right now. Even though the start of my week was a big fat fail, I took control yesterday and am still in control, and I love it.

I made shake N bake porkchops with a veggie stirfry and had left over greek salad from lunch for dinner tonight, t'was great.

And now I am sipping on this new green tea I bought

It is also very good, nice change from regular green tea.

*phone's ringing*

Ok, was my Mother in law :) She is heading to her house in Guatemala tomorrow.. and is talking about how one day that house will be ours or ours and Serena's (SIL) or for the grandkids lol but we need to come out there and see if we even like it there first. UUUMMM yeah Im pretty sure we will like it lol.. she so crazy, I love her!

Oh and I forgot to mention, my one month into this whole health thingy and I am down 8.5lbs.. not too shabby if I say so myself :)

Here is me today

ok Now its t-shirt time lol time to watch Jersey Shore <3

I'm back

Got back Sunday night from our little trip to see family. It was fun and all but Im glad to be home. Too much drinking and food :(
I felt like I did really well with not eating bad foods the majority of the time. I even packed carrots, peppers and cucumber to munch on on the 5 hour drive there (and back). But with the drinking came the bad food.
I weighed in on Monday and was down .5 of a pound, which in reality is quite good considering I hadn't gone to the gym almost all week.

Rob left for work yesterday.. and he is gone for 3 weeks :(
My mom also went home yesterday.. so now Im alone again..and what do I do.. I eat... fuck!
I am having the hardest time getting the motivation to get myself to the gym today also :(  ugh what is my problem!?
I need to go hop in the shower, and just freakin go!

Send me motivation vibes please :)

A post for yesterday (weigh in day)

So yesterday was weigh in day number 3.. I stayed the same as last week (sad face) but, I had my period for the past week so I blame it on that cause I worked out 5 days at the gym and 2 days at home.. went swimming a couple times and ate fairly well.. I mean I did have a few drinks a couple nights.. so that could also be to blame.. ugh no alcohol for a while I think.. I need to see loses right now to keep me motivated!
But half way through the week I was up 4lbs, I was super bloated and crampy, so the fact that I broke even on WI day is a great thing.. I am happy and content with it.


It was Rob and my 8 year anniversary (not wedding just since we got together). So we went out to dinner at Montana's .. I told myself I was allowed to order what I wanted but I had to work out when I got home.. so I did, I ordered the Firecracker chipotle burger with the smashers and we had some wine. It was soo good, but I felt like complete shit after.. I haven't had anything that greasy in a few weeks and I felt sick to my stomach after.. NOT WORTH IT.

We did end up doing the 30 day shred video once the boys were in bed, and did some weights after.. it kicked our asses .. I love it!

I had my PVR set to record the new series called Heavy that started last night on A&E. Its a gooder, very motivational. We sat there and watched it after we worked out and it made me so thankful that I am changing my life NOW, and not 20, 40, 60 lbs down the road, cause that was exactly where I was going.

My mom is coming for a visit tomorrow :D yay! I will be picking her up at the airport around lunch time. And we are all heading to Saskatoon (5 hours away) on Thursday, to see family. My grandpa's brother just passed away ( I didn't meet him) and my mom was pretty close to him, and my grandpa is taking ti pretty hard I guess :( so it will be good to see them. I know my mom needs to see them so I'm glad she is coming for the trip.
Hopefully I will be able to update while I'm there, I'm sure I will be, but just in case I don't I will be back home Sunday night ( if the roads allow me to get home :S)

Quick post.. will post more laters :)

Got an award from the lovely Lara over at Lardy No More <3 thanks darlin :)

So here are the Rules to this lovely Award:

Post and link the person who Awarded you this award.

Now 7 things about me:

1. I find it much easier to connect with people online than IRL. But I would love more irl friends.. ones that lived closer, all my friends live far away :(
2. I am slowly becoming ok with the idea of only having 2 children. I wanted so badly for the longest time to have 3, but after a couple miscarriages, and things changing in my life.. Im slowly becoming ok with how things are.
3. I have an awesome relationship with my mom, and after she got breast cancer we got even closer.. I love her to bits.
4. Im a total coffee whore.. I want it, I need it.. GIMME IT! >.<
5. I pretty much always put others before myself.. and alot of times I suffer because of it, but I find myself telling..myself (lol) that its ok that Im hurt, because it means THEY are not hurting. /sigh
6. I have always hated my body.. and I think it stems down to being sexually abused when I was young.. he would always tell me how pretty I was... it makes me disgusted to think of it...I fucking hate him!
7. I want to go back to school sooooo bad, and I plan on doing it this year.

Okay so now Your supposed to list Great blogs you have discovered and Award them: So here I go. . .

1. Shauna <3 (Being Short and Fat)
2. Pam :) (Plump Nonfiction)
3. Angel (Angels Challenge)

Reasons why...

I read a post on the WW site by a fellow blogger asking us what the reasons are for why we want to lose weight.
Aside from the obvious things like, Oh I don't know.. I WANT TO LIVE lol and I want to be around for my kids and for their kids and blah blah blah

Some of the other reasons, the things that we can't wait to be able to do or see change once the weight start actually coming off. The things that smaller people don;t have to think about, and might actually be shocked to hear that we worry or think about these things.

Well I guess I will write my list of reasons why...

• To be able to shop in a clothing store with Rob. You know those stores that have guys clothes on one side and girls on the other.. whenever we would go into one Rob would say "Go take a look on the girl side and we can try things on". And then I have to be all sad faced and tell him that nothing there would fit me. Some day...
• To wear the style I want to wear, not what fits! I hate that I have to wear whatever fits.. I still have standards, and won't wear things I don't like.. but if I could fit into the styles I LOVE I know I wouldn't "like" this stuff anymore.
• I want to be more open and less self conscious in the bedroom. I know I do quite well given my size lol but I know I still feel apprehensive to a lot of things I would want to do or do better hehe. I rarely even take off my shirt at this point.. I know Rob doesn't care what my stomach looks like.. but I do, and I can't stop thinking about what I look like and it ruins it for me.. so I just leave a tank top on or another easy boob access type shirt ... fml.. no f*ck Rob's life lol.. poor guy.
• I seriously HATE that I have to pay extreme amounts of money for ONE FUCKING SHIRT.. like seriously.. they rape you on prices in plus size stores. For the price of one shirt in say Addition-Elle (easily$50) I could buy a whole outfit including undies and socks in a regular store.. CANNOT wait for that lol
• I don't want my kids to ever feel embarrassed because I'm the fat mom. I never want them to feel that due to my looks.
• I want to go sky diving... I had a friend ask me to go this past summer and I was all for it.. and then looked into it and I was 30lbs heavier than the maximum weight limit... I lied and came up with some random excuse that I had to bail on her :(
• To have bones show.. and I know that sounds like an eating disorder in the making lol.. but I have had eating disorders, and trust me this is different. I want things like my collar bones back.
• To not get out of breath walking up some stairs.
• I want to join in on our family time. I find I use my camera as a clutch.. "I can't go swimming cause I need to take pictures of the kids".. but secretly I would love to be in there with them and my husband and going down the slides and playing soccer and doing all the stuff that I don't do because of my weight/looks.
• To love myself fully..

I know there are lots more reasons, but that's what comes to mind right now.. feel free to add yours here or post a blog about it :)


        

Binge monster RAWR

I haven't been updating as much as I would like to. I'm actually up at 7 am on a Saturday just so I can have some alone time, have a coffee and post a new blog post in peace lol.. everyone's sleeping :)
Maybe I will have a nap later.

I've been doing good, working out everyday at the gym, except for yesterday. I took yesterday off cause my legs needed to heal! Ouch did they hurt lol
We are all going to Servus today. Rob will take the boys swimming while I go to the gym for an hour and then I will meet them down in the pool once I'm done.

I think I need to set mini goals for myself and also set some rewards for them.

I have been struggling a few times this week with food.
I'm scared for when Rob goes back to camp.
He went to the gym the other day and while he was gone the addict in me came out, I started looking at all the food I could eat and he wouldn't know about.. I felt so disgusted in myself for even thinking like that.. so I tried to make better choices.. but I still feel like I pigged out on the better choices.. the binge part of my addiction was still there.. just waiting for the right time to come out and BAM!
I'm glad I Pigged out on good stuff, but I still felt like I had no control at that point.. and that is the part I struggle with.
I need the control.
I try to look at it one day at a time and it has been helping me greatly this way, but apparently when I have no one around to hold me accountable, the binger might come out again.

Rob leaves for 3 weeks on the 25th... can I do this alone?

UGH, I have to stop doubting myself, I can do this.. I want this too bad to let the old habits ruin it for the new me I'm becoming. Doesn't help that I have had my period for the past week.. fack! Cramps from hell.. but I've been a trooper and still hit the gym, cramps or not. I'm hoping it eff's off for weigh in on Monday though.. I want to see a lower number.. I don't want to be disappointed in week 3.. its too soon!

I'm so glad to have all of your support, I truly need it! And I appreciate you all so much!


Oh and my mom is coming to visit on Wednesday!!! YAY, I miss her so much! So excited!

Weigh in day #2

I have been doing really well this week, food wise.
Hadn't really gotten in a whole lot of exercise but I knew I would have a loss due to my eating anyways. BUT I was very pleased with myself this morning. I am down another 4lbs! *happy dance*
I am out of the 270's and I am now 268lbs.
I still have a LOOOONG way to go, but you have to do it one step at a time!
I'm 10lbs away from my 10% goal from my highest weight last year which was 287lbs

We even went out to a restaurant to eat last night, but its a locally owned family joint, and they get a lot of seniors in there, so they have weight friendly options. You can substitute regular bread for WW bread (hells yeah) cheese for light cheese slices , light sandwich meat options also.
So I got a BLT on WW bread with light cheese and turkey, and had a side of fries, but made sure to count the amount I ate so I could track it once I got home. I felt satisfied and proud of myself for making a healthier choice.

Rob and I went to Servus Place this morning and dropped Atreyu off at the child minding class, and we went up to the gym. I was super nervous, cause I haven't been to a gym in forever, and I knew I would be the biggest person there, but it wasn't as scary as I made it up to be in my head (go figure lol) It was actually a really nice gym, and there were all ages of people.. I didn't feel intimidated at all, and it helped a billion percent that Rob came and worked out with me for my first time there.

So all in all a pretty great day :) Hope you all are having a great day too!!

P.s. welcome to my new followers <3 if you have a blog you would like me to follow, please let me know :) I would love too!

Hello, again

I haven't been posting as much as I would like to, but on the plus side I have been keeping busy.
Yesterday we went and got a year long family membership to Servus Place.. its freaking amazing, its just what I need! I can go work out and put Atreyu in the child minding classes when Rob is working. And we can do family things like swimming and skating, they even have family soccer drop in days. We are going swimming in a couple hours, and possibly skating (if we have time). I couldn't help but notice I was the fattest person in the place.. in fact.. NO one else was heavy.. everyone was fit and healthy... I'm gonna stick out like a sore thumb :( BUT I can't get the the point where I fit in, if I don;t start so.. go me!!

Our niece Sam is having a sleep over tonight, and my SIL is coming over for dinner when she drops her off.

I was watching The Biggest Loser the other night and when the one girl (not sure her name) was talking about how she had a couple miscarriages due to being overweight, I cried my little heart out. I have had  2 miscarriages.
The first one they couldn't tell me why.. I did my research and just being overweight can cause them. The second one I had a cyst on my ovary and it popped.. causing it to pretty much flush everything out. I did my research and cysts are more common in over weight woman...
So basically I lost 2 pregnancies because of things I let happen. I let myself get this big.
I don't want that to ever happen again. So until I am healthy I am not even going to think about babies.. its too hard to go through that, and know that its partly my fault.
Also, I have ovarian cysts pretty much monthly.. and they are common in women, but they shouldn;t hurt or cause issues.. they only hurt and cause issues because of how heavy I am. Just another reason why I need to lose this weight!

So you know how I said I didn't know if I was gonna tell Rob about my blog. Well I told him that night! lol
I didn't want to feel like I was hiding anything from him ( no matter how little) and I said I wasn't sure if I wanted him reading it just yet. And he completely understood. He said I can talk to him about it or not talk to him about it.. and if/when I am ready for him to read it he will.
/love :)

Im not cheating on you...

Rob got home yesterday so I have been busy and haven't been able to blog.. but I have been catching up on YOUR blogs! I love all the support. I love reading your blog, it seriously inspires me and keeps me motivated! thanks guys <3

Oh and I haven't told Rob I started a blog... I am kinda hesitant.. Its kinda like keeping a journal. Do I want him to know my thoughts? I am quite open with him, but at the same time I am kinda nervous for him to read my posts. I want to be 100% open and honest with him, and I am.. so what makes me nervous.. maybe that its about my weight.. I don't even tell him the number on the scale.. cause for some reason I think that he will look at me differently than he does.. and he loves me fully, so why do I think that!?  Ugh.. I'll post more tomorrow lol

loves ya's!

Oh, what a day!

I wish I could say it was a good day, and I guess in some ways it was, but food wise.. not so much.

I didn't eat breakfast.. I am horrible for this, and I realized its because I snack at night.. I seriously use up most of my calorie intake once the boys are in bed. I do great with eating good foods during the day, but once its bedtime for the kids, I eat, eat, eat!

 

I am an emotional eater, so when Im lonely, sad, anxious.. I eat. 

I am lonely most of the time, my husband works out of town at a diamond mine, so he is gone half the time ( 2 weeks gone, 2 weeks home).

Its weird though because I enjoy my ME time once the boys go to bed, and I also enjoy my time away from Rob in a way, so why is this when I eat!? I always blame it on emotions, and I know my emotional attachment to food, is not healthy, but I definitely need to start making sure I ate a good sized meal at breakfast. Of course I never eat breakfast, I'm still full from all the crap I ate the night before. That changes tonight. I know I already ruined my day with what I ate, but I need to change my thinking. Where I would normally say **"Well, I ate one piece of candy, I may as well eat the rest", I am now going to tell myself that it's ok, I am human and I will make mistakes, but I don't need to keep the habit going. 

Slowly but surely I am getting stronger.

 **This blog made me realize that

I had my weigh in this morning. I am down 3 lbs this week. I guess the working out and trying to be more active is making a difference! Who knew!? lol

I talked to Rob on the phone tonight, and was telling him about how I started the 30 day shred video last night.. and I mentioned how its 20 minutes long, and in the middle of my next sentence, he says "20 minutes is not enough!" .... uhhhh.. way to beat me down jackass. I got upset and he tried to explain that he didn't mean it the way I took it, he just meant that I should be working out longer, not that 20 minutes wasn't good. I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, and he apologized after he realized what he said hurt me. But I then said "You know what, 20 minutes might not be good enough for YOU, but its something, and its 100% improvement to what I was doing a week ago!" 

I know 20 is not much, but I'm nearly 300lbs... 20 minutes is hard on me, and it won't stay at 20 minutes.

When we get our gym membership on Friday I will be working out longer. But I hate that I now feel like my efforts so far are not up to par. And I know he didn't mean to hurt me like this, and I know he is proud of me for what I am doing.. so why do I let words hurt me so bad? Especially when I know Im taking it the wrong way. 

Ugh Whatever. 

That 20 minutes made me feel great. 

Screw everyone else lol

Aiden had his first day back to school today after Christmas break, so far so good :)

I was feeling kinda upset about my convo with Rob still so I took some pics on the webcam.. I felt pretty!

And then I took some funny ones to put myself in a better mood lol

LOL they are making me laugh as I type lol.

Oh and on a side note.. I can't wait for the show Heavy on A&E!!

Speaking of shows.. I have some on PVR to watch .. here I come Bachelor , DH, and intervention <3

I better go watch one or 2 before I go read my book and go to sleep. 

And I get my hubby back tomorrow :)

hmm

I want to change my blog title, but not sure what to change it to... I'll have to think about it.

Didn't really do a whole lot today.
I ate good, and drank more water than I normally do, go me!

Had a turkey and cheese sandwich with veggies for lunch

I also made some veggie soup for dinner, just threw in all the veggies that were gonna go bad soon.. and it was really good.

I didn't eat breakfast, cause I slept in till 10ish!! wtf!? lol apparently the boys needed some sleep.

I have been trying to call Rob (husband) at camp, but I think he must be in the gym. Ugh, I can NOT wait till he is home on Tuesday!! And for 3 weeks this time :D

So I suppose while I wait to talk to him.. I will pop a workout dvd in.

Actually, I think I am going to start the  "30 Day Shred" tonight.

Happy 1.1.11 everyone!!

So another year has past. Im not exactly pleased with what I have accomplished this past year, but I know next year I won't be saying that! Im not one to actually make New Years resolutions, but I think I shall make a list of things I would like to do/accomplish this year.
So here we go (and I may add to it)

• Drink more water
• Work out every day, wether its for 15 minutes or 2 hours.. do SOMETHING!
• Call people more. I tend to not call anyone aside from my mom, I'm a horrible phone friend lol
• Do something I am proud of everyday
• Don't let my self confidence get in the way of doing family things (like swimming).
• Track my food daily
• Blog daily (if possible)
• Take monthly body shots for my records.. it will be great to look back on.
• Get back into school (online for the time being)
• Spend less money, and put more into savings.
• Get my passport!! I need it for Adam's (older brother) destination wedding Easter of 2012. And hopefully will get to use it many more times!
• Compliment myself daily
• Write a note to each of my boys daily, in journals, that I can give to them when they are older.

And I know I said I would post these yesterday, but we ended up going to Serena's (SIL) for a sleep over New Years "party" lol, not much of a party with 6 kids running around lol.. more of a board game kinda night :)

Oy, but it's true, it's what I look like. 

Its kinda odd that I don't feel like I look like that, I feel smaller... I guess Im in denial. 

And from behind... ugh, my arms! I actually want to cry looking at these pictures... ok Im crying now..

How did I let myself get here??

I don't want to be the fat mom anymore, I don't want people to tell my husband I have a "pretty face".

I want more for myself, for my family, for my husband!

I may be weak right now, but I know I can do this! I will do this!