Bloom where you are planted.

Monday I had my first "fit camp" class. I almost fainted many times and I was near to puking at one point as well. I also had to modify some of the moves due to those things and also due to my size. BUT, I made it through to the end! I felt extremely proud of myself. It was a huge step for me. A huge step for the fact that I am so uncomfortable working out in front of people because of my size and also the fact that I have anxiety. I got out there and even though I was the slowest runner  (jogger in my case) I still finished. I haven't said this many times but I was proud.

Tonight I had my weigh in /support meeting for the weight loss challenge I am in. I was down 4 lbs! I have been eating great and getting in more physical activity so I was hoping for a good number.

Last weeks homework for the meeting was to find a motivational/inspirational quote that has something to do with health. The quote I brought was, "Your body is capable of anything. It is your brain you have to convince." I brought that quote because it is 100% true for me. I honestly didn't think I was gonna finish the fit camp class. In fact I could barely lift my fat little legs by the end of it. But I kept thinking of this quote and talking myself into believing it and it freakin' worked! I realized how much I need my own support. I need to be my biggest cheerleader. Self love is always something I have struggled with. I don't know if I have ever not hated my body. I honestly don't. That is so sad. I may not like the size I am at but I should still love myself.. EVERYTHING about myself. I'm gonna try extremely hard to be more aware of the hate talk that we as women do to ourselves. No more looking in the mirror and saying, "ew"; or worse avoiding the mirror all together. My body has carried this extra weight. Underneath this fat is a strong body! Think about someone my height who is not overweight. Could they carry around an extra 150 lbs.. probably not. So the fact that I get out of breath or the fact that I am slower isn't what I should focus on. I should focus on how amazing it is that at this size this amazing body is able to push and get through that workout. 

I found this quote also, "Bloom where you are planted." This goes with my self love strategy. The body I currently have is where I am right now. I need to open up and bloom. It also relates to having no excuses. Just do the best you can with what you have. Why hate yourself when you can help yourself?

I also need to talk about the ladies in my challenge/support group. Can I just say that I couldn't have picked a more amazing and uplifting group of ladies! I feel so amazing after each meeting. I feel so much stronger and motivated due to their support. I just love it.

Trying again.

I deleted the past 4 or so posts that were about me starting over. How many times can one woman say "This is it. This time I'm actually gonna do it."?
I have taken some huge steps and made some big commitments recently that will propel my journey to love myself. I am trying not to call it my weight loss journey because that is only part of it. Like I posted in the last post (that I didn't delete), My mental health and my relationship with myself is what needs to be fixed. The weight is a direct reflection of those things. Even though I am now officially at my heaviest. I do believe this is my rock bottom. I feel like I literally am fighting for my life now.

It's embarrassing to think of how many times I have "started over" but maybe I needed to get to this space in my life to truly take control and show myself that I can be the hero of this story.

I recently went back on anxiety/depression meds. And what do you know, they made me gain about 15 lbs. Ugh, cause I totally needed that *rolls eyes*.
But the weight gain from the meds has stopped and shouldn't happen any longer.
But I do believe that the meds are doing their job. I have been able to get myself out of the house a lot more. My moods haven't been swinging as much, lol. I have a new found belief in myself. Something that I hadn't had in a very very long time.

I joined a group on facebook for plus size activity in my area. It has gotten me out so much and made me more aware of what I want. I have made an amazing friend through the group, whom I am going on an overnight road trip to Seattle with next weekend!!
I have joined a weight loss challenge within the group also that is in its second week now.
I am also joining a fit camp starting Monday that is 2 days a week (Mon-Thur) for 60 mins per class. And I love the trainer! She is so inspiring and motivating. So are the ladies in my challenge group! I'm pumped to get going with this and see what I am capable of.