Biggest Loser WI #2

So I did my WI at home which is my WI that I will use on MFP and on here, since its the scale I have been using. And I was down 2lbs :D SUPER happy about that since I had a couple days that were not the best. AND I had upped my calories.

This whole eating more thing REALLY does work lol

Anyways I had my biggest Loser Group last night..its after dinner, which is not ideal lol, so I wasn't expecting a 2 lb loss to show up like it did on my scale at home when I was naked lol.

2lbs did not show up... 3.2lbs showed up!! What!!!??

I think I actually shouted "WOOHOO!" lol

I wasn't able to stay for the whole meeting as I had both kids and I didn't feel like making them sit there, or I didn't feel like being stressed out by their boredom at a time that is strictly about ME.

I had so much fun at the meeting though, even if I was only there for 15 minutes.

These ladies are so funny and great, I really didn't want to leave.

I think I will get a babysitter next week for the boys, so I don't have to worry about it.

And then Rob will be home again.

May 8th my dad will be here in the morning and Rob will be here at night lol its gonna be a long day of driving back and forth to the airport! Its an hour drive there and an hour drive back. But I'm so used to the drive it doesn't feel that long.

I really want to make a trip to Calgary, to hit up the zoo. Its been on my mind constantly since they got the new penguin exhibit. Atreyu is in love with penguins so I think we might go do this when my dad is here. Might just go out bright and early one day (its a 3 hour trip) if we got up at 5 or 6 and got out on the road we could probably be there right when it opens. And then spend the day at the zoo (It's pretty big) and head home that night.

I think I might start the 30 Day Shred again.

I also need to call the trainer I met with for that assessment and set up an appointment.

That can't happen until Rob is home though.

I'm not sure if I will use her after the first training session. It depends how it goes.

I liked her but I didn't feel the click that I wanted to for a trainer.

Maybe it will be different when we are doing an actual session though.

Self Hate

I read a blog post the other day on tumblr. That got me thinking.

It was about self hate/body acceptance.

As much as I do hate dislike my body right now. I also hated disliked it when I was much smaller (eating disorder days). In fact I think I hated disliked it more then. And I have more than 100 extra lbs on my body now than I did then!
How does that make sense!?

Well it DOES make sense!

I say I hate my body now, but really, I don't HATE it, sure I don't like the extra weight I have, and I don't like that I'm this big, but I don't hate my body.

When I was smaller I was still embarrassed about my body, to the point of NEVER going swimming, never wearing dresses, wearing sweaters in the summer cause I refused to show skin.

100lbs heavier and I rock a bathing suit, I wear dresses more often, I wear tanks in the summer.

Maybe its that I'm older, but maybe it's just that I love myself more.

I like who I am.

I haven't always been able to say that, but I can say that today.

I am on this journey not JUST to lose weight it's also about getting healthy.

I want to be strong not skinny!

I want to be fit not thin!

I want to love myself not just my body!

And yes it has taken (and will still take) a long time for me to get to my "goal" but I'm gonna enjoy myself on the way there.

I'm gonna try to not use the word hate when talking about myself anymore.

Insecurity isn't very attractive after all :)

10,000 views

My blog officially has over 10,000 views! Wow :)
Thanks to all those who actually take the time to read my blog and follow my journey.
You guys are awesome!

My weekend was great. My aunt Linda came to visit like I said. So Saturday we went to Servus and did a gym and swim. Rob was swimming with the boys while we worked out, and then we met them down at the pool.
I had my heart rate monitor on and I burned over 1000 calories in the time we were there! Crazy!
I wish she lived closer, cause I always feel stronger with her support. Although I do have her support anyways, its just different in person.

I had a bad eating day yesterday. Rob had just left, it was cold out, and I am pmsing... That sounds like a lot of excuses lol maybe I just needed a little break. Either way I am OK, back on track today and I went to the gym this morning and had a great workout! I'm not beating myself up for indulging anymore. If it happens again I just need to make sure I make up for it!
I'm kinda scared for my WI on Friday though.. so for the next couple days I need to bust my butt in the gym! And stick to my calories.

I had my doctors appointment the other day to talk about my fainting and my arrhythmia, it wasn't my regular doctor, so I'm not sure how I feel, but he seemed like he wasn't worried.
It never happens when I work out so that's a really good sign, and because it never happens for long periods of time and aside from this time I haven't actually fainted since I was a teen, he really seemed like it was pretty much normal....
I'm not sure I believe its "normal" but OK.
I think I will still talk to my regular doctor about it next time I'm in.

Rob is at work for 2 weeks right now, but they are trying to get him to stay an extra week. I keep telling him no, but when they really need him its hard for him to say no. Only issue I am having with him staying the week is that my dad will be in town that week. And my dad is more of a dad to Rob than his dad ever was. In fact my dad has been Robs dad and in his life longer than Robs dad was. So I really want him to be here to spend time with us.

I have a coffee date tomorrow morning with my friend Jenn, and then I will be heading to the gym again.

I am making Crock pot buffalo chicken lettuce wraps for dinner from skinnytaste.com for dinner, I will let you all know how they turn out :)

My favorite person in the world is here :D My aunt Linda from Life As Linda is in town for the weekend.

Today we are going to Servus to workout together and then go swimming with the kids.

I haven't been to Servus in a looong time. It will feel great to finally get back to working out at the gym!

We are also going to Costco (favorite), the one in Sherwood Park apparently has a liquor store!!! So we are gonna go check that one out lol.

Yesterday I went to my first Biggest Loser challenge meeting.

I missed last week since I was not back from my trip yet.

So I did my official WI and they took my measurements.

I'm pretty sure I was the biggest lady there, but it wasn't an issue for me.

Everyone is there for the same reason. And I got to meet more people.

One of which I really enjoyed and seemed to click with pretty well.

I weighed more on that scale than I do on my home scale. So I'm not sure if I should track my weight with their scale or mine (online).

I think I will stick with mine actually. Cause I normally WI in the morning with no clothes on. And we meet in a public place after dinner time fully clothed, so I was a few lbs heavier at the WI than I was right before I left my house. And just for blog purposes I will stick to my online WI being from my scale, and they keep track of the weights at the meetings.

So after I got back from my trip I had almost forgot that my abuser (I cringe calling him that, but I hate saying his name, he's not human in my eyes, and doesn't deserve a name) had court.

He was found guilty months and months ago... but he got himself a new fancy lawyer and wanted to appeal. So his appeal date was the 17th of this month. I was a big ball of nerves the whole day waiting and waiting to hear how it went (it was in Yellowknife and my mom went) and finally my mom texted me and said "Decision has been reserved, meaning they need time to make their decision. Will be one of three things: appeal denied and sentence starts (which is what we want!)

a new trial, or acquittal. The last one would mean its all over."

I was so glad that this day had come and it would finally all be over... I didn't realize it would take even more time to finish.

They said it could take up to another month for an answer...

/sigh

You go from wanting him to get the biggest sentence he could get, to just wanting all to be done and over with.

I don't want to go back to court for trial again!! I know the other girls don't want to either.

But at the same time I don't want to let all these years of court be for nothing.

I need to just stop thinking about what could happen and wait for it to just happen at this point.

Whatever happens happens, and unless it goes to trial again there is nothing I can do.

He knows what he did, he can deny and deny all he wants. He was found guilty, whether or not he wins the appeal because he has a better lawyer now. Doesn't change the fact that we stood up for ourselves and faced him in court.

He isn't in jail right now, but I know this has had to have some impact on his life in a negative way.

And no that doesn't make up for anything, but it at least makes it feel like the whole court process was worth it a little bit.

ANYWAYS, enough about that.

I have had issues with my heart since I was a teenager. Due to eating disorders and taking way too many energy pills.

I have an arrhythmia  and my heart will randomly speed up super fast or slow down dramatically to the point of me passing out (while I was a teenager). I have dealt with this my whole life since then, but got good at sitting down if I felt it coming on, so that I don't faint. Well the other day (Thursday) I almost fainted in my room, but sat down in time, my vision went blurry almost tunnel vision and my heart was beating really hard and slow.

And then in the middle of the night I got up to go see why Rob wasn't in bed (he was sleeping on the couch lol) and as I turned around to go back down the hallway I felt like I was gonna faint, so I tried to sit down but I guess it just hit too fast and I woke up on the ground. I have bruises on both arms, I guess I hit the corner of the wall on my right side and then just the impact and the way my arm landed under my body on the left side left a bruise also.

So, I called my doctors office and made an appointment for Tuesday morning. The lady I talked to said I should have gone into the hospital, but she didn't know my history, I guess I wasn't as worried as she was lol. But if it happens again I will for sure go in to the hospital.

Like I said I haven't actually fainted since I was a teenager, so I'm not sure why this happened again.

Ill be glad to finally have things checked out and see what I can do about it if anything.

I have been back for about a week now. I seriously had the time of my life in Punta Cana!

It was so great to have my first time out of Canada be with my husband and no kids (less stress) and I needed that time with just my husband <3

We were quite busy all week while there. I was just with my husband, but our group totalled almost 60 people!! I made so many new friends and got to make some awesome memories with family that I haven't seen in a long time.

We went on dune buggies one day, and got completely covered in mud lol it was a lot of fun.

The dune buggy trip took us to a cave that has a natural pool in it. It was so cool!

My younger brother Adrian, his girlfriend, Rob and I all went on a speed boat tour where we got to drive our own 2 person speed boats. Little did we know that tour also let us go SNUBAing (mix between snorkeling and scuba)

I couldn't get the hang of the breathing, so I pretty much just snorkeled, but I did get to feed the fish and the guy who was in charge of our group was awesome and took pictures with my camera of the rest of our group since I didn't make it down all the way.

We had another day where the whole group of us (except my younger brother and his gf) went on a Catamaran. The Happy Hour catamaran.

It was seriously such a good time!

Michelle's (brothers new wife) family and friends are the nicest people ever, they make everyone feel like family and it seriously felt like we were all one big family.

On the catamaran we also got to go snorkeling.

There was lots of drinks and dancing!

 And we got to get out of the boat at one of Punta Cana's last untouched beaches. We didn't go to the beach though lol, the water was only waste deep out where the boat was so we all just partied in the ocean for a while, where they brought us more drinks! Seriously, they had to have another small boat come meet us about 4 different times to supply more beer lol

And with all that drinking, not one person got out of hand, everyone was so fun and it was seriously like we were in paradise.

Man, I wanna go back!!!!

(Mom, Alisen, Michelle, Adam, Me, and Dad)

The day before the wedding My forehead swelled up....

WTF right!? Of course this happens to me.

I was so worried about being the fattest girl in the wedding, until that shit happened. I looked SO stupid.

I seriously cant stand looking at the pictures of me from that day (expect for the ones with me wearing sunglasses lol)

And we spent about 4 hours with a photographer after the ceremony doing wedding shots.

This photographer was sooooo good, and I am excited to see his pictures, but I know I'm gonna hate everyone I am in due to my swollen forehead :(

Anyways the wedding was on the beach, it was over +30 Celsius so the thought of wearing my hair down in the back was not an option lol

My sister did my hair and it was lovely.

The wedding was beautiful!

I think I cried more than the bride.

I cried when she was walking down the isle and I saw how happy my big brother was. I cried when she got the nervous giggles lol.

I cried during all the speeches at the reception.

My mom did a speech welcoming Michelle into the family and I'm pretty sure EVERYONE cried during it, including all the guys lol.

We just love Michelle so much. And we were all so happy this day finally came.

After the reception and being in plus 30 heat all day and night we all jumped in the kiddie pool and splashed each other.

We spent a lot of time in the pool.

There was a pool bar, need I say more lol

But the pool was actually cooler than the ocean a lot of days, and there was shade, so that was where most people hung out.

You can't tell in that picture but MAN, I am brown!!! I burnt pretty good a couple days, but now that I am home my tan is showing a lot more, I have never seen my skin get this dark! Its impressive lol... now if only it was all over my body and not just the top half lol.

My back/shoulders are the darkest. And my face/chest are still peeling.

I figured I would leave this post to be only about my trip. I will probably do another post later tonight.

I have hundreds more pictures, if you want to check them out you can go to my facebook page (the albums are public right now)

Album #1

Album #2

LAST DAY HERE!

And I just burnt nearly 400 calories shoveling snow....
Its really light snow, so its like 2 feet deep around my car.. shoveled around my car, then realized I had about a foot ON TOP of my car... so cleared that and had to re shovel around my car lol.
Its still snowing too, so I may get another little snow shovel workout in at some point today.
Whatevs, I'M LEAVING TONIGHT!!!!!

I did my official WI this morning (remember I'm switching to Fridays, but I'm not gonna be able to do it tomorrow as I will be in airports and airplanes all day).
I was down 1.2lbs.
Which is great, because I had upped my calories by about 300-400, and I still lost!
I have to say I am loving the fact that I have more calories to use, I am now having bigger breakfasts, which actually helps curb my night time eating.

I expect to gain while I'm gone, even though I do plan on trying to make good choices (healthier foods, and working out), but when its all inclusive, the drinks are whats gonna get me. Not to mention water retention. But I'm prepared for that and prepared to work it off once I get home :)

Didn't end up getting the pedicures I had planned, but the resort has a spa so that can be done there :)
We have a little bit of shopping to do still today, and Marie gets in at 3, so I can finish packing and what not then.

I will be back on the 14th. I will post an update and pictures sometime after that. Be prepared for a TON of pictures by the way lol.

TTYL!

4 days!

2 sleeps until my husband is home! And 4 until we leave :D

Once he is home it will go by that much faster. He gets in at around 9pm Tuesday night, and Wednesday I have my doctors appointment which I will be getting my results from my ultrasound, and having a pap..fun! lol

We have an appointment to do our taxes that afternoon. And Rob needs to do all his shopping that day as well.

Thursday we pick Marie (MIL) up at 3, she is watching the house, kids, and cats for us :)

SO glad to have someone I know will take good care of them and can be here in our home.

I just realized that our room has a jacuzzi inside AND one outside!! SCORE! lol.

And its only meters away from the pool.

I have a nail appointment tomorrow. Rob and I are also getting pedi's before we leave.

I need suggestions on how to do my hair for the wedding, any tips?

I'm not paying $80 for someone else to do it when I am more than capable and I can use that $80 for something fun like para sailing!!

I'm thinking I want to wear it down, maybe half up?

Maybe something like this?

or this?

Which do you like better?

Keep in mind it will be an outdoor beach wedding.

Maybe add a pink flower in there somewhere to match the dress.

Oh and the dress. It was ready to be picked up from the alteration place. And it fits good! THANK GOD!

Of course you can still see my fat legs and arms, but its the length I wanted, and the material and cut of it just flow nicely and doesn't show any rolls :)

I am nervous for the pictures, but this is gonna be the last time I am this size.

I'm only getting better from here. And I am better than I was last year, in more than one way.

So I will NOT stress and worry about it.

So the group of ladies in my town that are starting the "Biggest Loser" challenge. Are doing it Fridays, 7-8pm.

I don't like this for 2 reasons, I WI on Mondays, and I do it in the morning.. naked! lol

So now that I will also WI on Fridays, and I'm trying to get away from WI too much, I'm thinking I am going to change my WI day to Fridays for now, at least until the challenge is over (in 6 weeks).

So I will not be WI tomorrow. I am giving myself a little break here.

 I upped my calories, after having a few days of over eating. I looked into BMR (Basal Metabolic Rate).

For those who don't know what it is, it is the rate at which you burn calories doing absolutely nothing but stayed in bed all day, basically the amount you burn just to stay alive.

You are supposed to eat that amount.

I do not, I was eating way under it. So I am upping my calories and seeing how that goes.

I'm expecting maybe a gain or at least no lose this coming week. So that's why I am starting the Friday WI now, instead of the 13th when the challenge starts.

This brings me to another issue. I wont be here This Friday OR next Friday lol, this Friday's WI will actually happen Thursday. And my first official WI for the challenge will be Saturday the 14th. I talked to the ladies and they all said its fine to just go to Connie's house once I'm back and WI with her. And join them for the second WI.

I shall leave you with pictures of the resort lol.. sooo excited!!!!