little update

I had a pretty good day again today, stayed under my calories. but stayed satisfied.
I almoooooost had a binge..
I did so good in the grocery store today, every time I picked up something I wanted, and thought "I can limit myself with it" I then asked myself "Seriously? CAN you limit yourself just yet?" and then put it back down when I realized.. no, I know if I have in the house when I'm having a weak moment it will be straight in my mouth. SO lets just NOT buy it and then we won't be tempted. :D Pretty proud of myself.
BUUUUT I did buy a bag of chips for the kids.. and they were eating them tonight and I found myself having a couple.. and then a couple more.. and then I had to make Aiden take the bag and put it out of my sight lol.
Its a start.
Im still a food junkie, and I am at least honest with myself. Thats huge right!?

Im on day 8 of the shred... still kicking my ass!
Some parts are getting easier, but I still sweat, let me tell ya!

these pics never show how much sweat there actually is lol

Im excited to WI on the 6th :) And for my mom to get here,  and for the Tegan and Sara concert!!
Rob gets back on the 5th also, and my cousin is getting married that weekend so I get too see lots of family (especially excited to see YOU Linda).

Tomorrow Im going to drive to Sabrina's and catch the bus with the boys, her and Nina downtown for some Canada day festivities. :)
Should be fun!

Breathe in, breathe out, move on.

I had a bit of a spillage of my heart yesterday.
I needed it though.
I was defeated and felt hopeless.
But I realized, I did what I could, I did what I needed to do, not for him or to hurt him, but for me.
No matter what the outcome, I stood up for myself. And I am proud of myself.
And he can't take that away from me.
He can't take anything away from me anymore.
And he can go on living his life knowing how we feel and knowing what he did, and knowing he was found guilty of it in court.
I can sleep easily at night because I am a decent human being, and thats something he can never do!


“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life….it puts itself in our hands and hopes we’ve learnt something from yesterday.”

—

John Wayne I have been eating good, well I should say I have been eating under my calorie goal, which some days isn't actually good. Yesterday and the day before I barely ate anything, I was too upset, and I knew if I started to eat the food addict would come out and I would eat my emotions like I used to, so I took the easy way out and instead of trying to cope, I just didn't eat.Im not going to make this a habit, and I feel just as bad about it as if I would have binged, because really, it can have the same affect on my body. Im not letting things that are out of my control, control the way I treat my body anymore. I ate a great breakfast today and am eating a late lunch, but I will eat enough. I need to keep my body full of energy, because I am going to work it hard. I have already done my shred today, cleaned the house, and mowed the yard. I may even do my pilates video tonight.

im really upset so if you don't like bad language please don't read..

So he ended up with 2 years for me 2 years for my sister and 1 year for the other girl.
But, mine and my sisters terms are being allowed to be served AT THE SAME TIME!!!
How the fuck does that work, how is that fair!!?
2 years for what he did to me is not good enough, I live with it my whole life!
But to say that they are allowing my 2 years and my sisters 2 years at the same time.....
way to make someone feel like they did the right thing by coming forward.
And the other girls 1 year is only gonna be 6 months because he had been in custody for three months between guilty and sentencing, so they count it as 6 months time served....
fucking system is bullshit.
So all in all, he gets to hurt 3 little girls who trusted him, and change who they would become, set them up to deal with this their whole lives.
And he gets 2 and a half years.
OH and possibly not even that, I just got the email from my mom letting us girls know that he is appealing.
And the people in his town are helping pay for his BAIL.. he will get out on bail on July 11th.. until the appeal date  and the people are also helping pay for his new fancy lawyer.....
sick fucks!
I have no faith right now..I can't even believe they would help him.. obviously they dont know us and they know him..and he is trustworthy.. he was the best man at my parents wedding ffs! Why would 3 girls come forward after 17 years to make shit up about a guy they knew as children... they can't honestly believe he is innocent?
This make me feel like.. why the hell did I put myself through all this again, I had to face him , I had to speak the words of the things he did to me, while he sat their and lied about it.
I had to hear him say my name again, and say that I was very fond of him when I was a child.
All for this..
Im trying really hard to not say it wasn't worth it but, fuck!

please send a little thought or prayer out for me right now.

Im waiting to hear how the sentencing went for Randy.

Im so nervous I could throw up....

This is what he is being charged with, 3 counts of this.

SEXUAL INTERFERENCE

151. Every person who, for a sexual purpose, touches, directly or indirectly, with a part of the body or with an object, any part of the body of a person under the age of fourteen years is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding ten years or is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction.
[R.S.C. 1985, c.19 (3rd Supp.), s.1.]

Im waiting for my mom to call and let me know how it went.... court started over an hour ago, or was supposed to anyways..... ughhhhhh

Slimmer Summer Challenge week-4

So I have done amazing all week. Im quite proud of myself.
I can see a change in my arms, tummy and my legs.
My clothes are a little bit more comfortable.
Feels sooo great to finally see it.. eff the scale!
Im still not officially doing my WI until July 6th, but right now I feel like I don't need it.
Im doing what I need to be doing and I feel on top of my game.

Now onto today...
I have been sick all day.. I literally hadn't eaten until an hour ago because I couldn't keep anything down. I tried to eat 3 crackers early in the day and went straight to the bathroom to get sick.. horrible day.
I love my kids for being so good to me today and taking care of ME.
I could literally not move for most of the day.
Every time I had a few minutes that I felt somewhat capable of being upright I would use it to make the kids their meals.. and then straight to the bathroom again :(
Im starting to feel a bit better and was able to keep some soup down.. my whole body is shaky and weak.
Im supposed to do day 4 of the 30 day shred.. and I still will in an hour or 2 if I'm feeling more stable.
I don't want to miss my day, but I also know my body my not be able to handle a workout in this state, so it may be the best idea to rest, we shall see.

I also forgot it was pirate day at Aiden's school tomorrow and I am supposed to bring crackers and cheese and wanted to make cupcakes. So also in between being sick I managed to go to the store and once I got back home went straight to the bathroom to get sick again. Then took a rest for a bit until I felt able to get up again and made the cupcakes with the kids. I hadn't even put icing on them until just before I sat down here.

Anyways I am going to make a cup of tea and drink some more water, and attempt my day 4 shred.

Day 3 of 30 Day Shred

Yesterday was a great day.

I ate great, despite going to the fair at dinner time.

I drank more that my share of water. 

And I did the Shred plus some random workouts on my own at home.

I also already did day 3 of the shred today. Actually I woke up early so I could do it before the kids got home, cause I know I wont be able to do it tonight, since we are sleeping over at Serena's tonight.

This is what I looked like after my workout today.

Here is my lunch (breakfast was raisin bran cereal and a banana), my dinner (turkey salad, I had 2 helpings. And had it after the fair, since I had a late lunch) and since I did so well all day I gave myself a treat after dinner.

The boys, Serena (SIL), her girls and I went to the fair last night.

It was so much fun the kids loved it and since we live in a small town it wasn't very big and Aiden got to go on all the rides a bunch of times with his friend.

I said no to that popcorn.. but it kept looking me in the eye....

still said no though :)

The boys faces kill me in these pics lol

I feel amazing, I don't know how to describe it, or what its about, I just do.

When I look in the mirror I don't hate what I see today, because I know Im making the changes that I need to make to get out of this body and be who I was meant to be.

My body is temporary, its almost like I think about my fat as not being part of me any more.

I feel like I am actually gonna do this this time.

Its fucking exciting!

<3

Every single effort is changing your body.

Yesterday I did not go to the gym, I had a bunch of running around to do and I just needed the day off. I did how ever start my 30 day shred. And yes it still kicked my ass.
I was struggling with cravings sooooo badly yesterday. I seriously felt like a junkie (no pun intended).
Its is absolutely an addiction, the processed foods. I feel amazing even after only a short time having drastically cut that out of my life, and yet my body/mind is still craving it. It was seriously so hard to say no. Especially after I peeked at the scale to see that it hadn't budged in 2 weeks...
I wanted to stuff my face and give up AGAIN, because I have been working out and eating better, and still nothing. I don't get it. I was heart broken , WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I SAID I WAS PUTTING THAT DAMN SCALE AWAY!!! grrr im mad at myself.
But I shook myself off and told myself to shut up lol.
Told myself that it could be a number of things, water, muscle, my period, it wasn't first thing in the morning.
And for f*ck sakes I AM making a difference in me!
Just because I can't see it yet, or see it on the scale means absolutely nothing.
I can feel it, I feel healthier.
I feel HAPPY, that says a lot!

Its true, EVERY single effort is changing your body.
Every time you say no to a piece of food you know you shouldn't eat.
Every time you get up and move your body.
Every time you drink your water.
Every time you get discouraged and then keep moving on.

Im about to start day 2 of the 30DS.

I hope you are all having a great morning <3

Happy Wednesday!

Oh man am I sore today!!! The front and backs of my thighs are killing me.. my stomach muscles are sore, my arms, my butt... it feels great :D

I had my usual breakfast, 1 cup of raisin bran with 1/2 cup of 1% milk


Had a turkey wrap for lunch with a 100 Cal soup.. soo good.

Will be doing shish kabobs for dinner with salad probably.. I need to go start the bbq to heat up actually.. brb.

I went to the gym today and did 6.7 miles on the bike and some resistance training too. I lasted longer on the bike with my sore legs than I do on days where my body felt 100%.. weird lol. I guess I knew I was already sore and just pushed through it.. and then kept going. Go me :)
Me after my workout, sexy huh!? :P

I think I will still attempt to do the 100 workout tonight, even though I know its gonna hurt so much more tonight with my sore muscles.

 I sat out in the sun in my backyard and finished my book this afternoon also :) great day!

"My Body tells me no, but I won’t quit Cause I want more, cause I want more"

First of all I must start with the fact that my little anxiety ridden child went to school all by himself this morning!!!!!!!! I could have cried I was so happy :D

*huge sigh of relief* 

I've been trying to make sure I ate breakfast. I used to NEVER eat breakfast, which is probably why I binged at night time... and my night time binges are probably why I wasn't hungry in the morning :S

Either way, I have been making myself eat in the morning, and I think its actually curbing my night time over eating. Seems everyone who told me to eat my breakfast were smart peoples.

Heres a pic of my breakfast today

sorry its sideways lol. It's a 12 grain bagel (240 cals)with light herb and garlic cream cheese (60 cals)

some red and yellow peppers and a few grapes.

I didn't eat the egg beater thingy (big yellow spongy circle) it literally felt like a sponge, couldn't bring myself to eat it which is actually good cause I really didn't want to go much over 300 cals for breakfast. And that bagel was noms and filled me up anyways :)

My friend Sabrina and I want to start the 30 day shred and stick to it for 30 days lol!!

Did you start yesterday Sabrina???

I can't find my dvd, so I did pilates instead .. my stomach muscles hurt today let me tell ya!

But I will continue to look for my 30 day shred dvd today. 

I want to do it tonight and I really don't want to go out and buy it again lol

One of my new goals is to drink at least 24oz of water BEFORE my morning coffee, and so far it seems to actually give me quite a bit of energy, who knew! lol

I just did this...

Holy mother of balls!

A lot harder than I thought it was gonna be!!

I literally almost fainted throughout it.. had to take a little break and drink some water.

My thighs are sooo sore, and shaking!!

Im so sweaty.

And out of breathe with a red face..

In fact, here look for yourselves...

Sorry about the boobage, I don't work out in this top unless I'm by myself lol.. but believe it or not this top holds them in quite well.

And also sorry about the dumb deer in headlights face lol.. I just got my ass kicked and was out of breath!

The 100 jumping jacks kicked my ass.. I'm way to fat for all that  bouncing lol

I'm glad no one was around to see my fat stomach, it actually hurt my tummy, thats disgusting that there is so much fat that it hurts when I jump :(

It's gotta go!!!

And the crunches, well if my tummy wasn't already sore I may have made it past 30 without needing a break lol.. I may have taken a while, but I completed everything.

Although I switched the 10 minutes of running to jogging.. I can't run.. yet.

Slimmer this summer challenge - Week 3

UPDATE:

I have not peeked at the scale since my last peek lol. My official day to step back on the scale is July 6th (also the day of the Tegan and Sara concert!!!!!!)

I have been doing alright this week. I know I made some not so great choices, but I have tried to stay active .

I am finding it actually really hard, I'm not gonna lie.

Its taking a lot of effort to stay focused.

I want this to be easy, but I suppose if it was easy I wouldn't have struggled for so long with this :S

Everything worth having is worth working for.

And my health and my happiness is worth having, so I must work for it.

I have been taking pictures of my food but I haven't been able to get on here and post as much as I would like to.  That will change on Tuesday once Rob goes back to work though.

I made a great healthy grocery shop the other day.

Like I said I have been doing ok but know I can do better, so I will.

I feel like I have not lost any weight yet, I don't feel any healthier, I don't have more energy yet. But I know this will all come with hard work and determination, it takes time!

I want to do an update on Aiden's Anxiety. 

Yes I capitalized it for a reason.

We have seen a mental health specialist/therapist twice now. And it seems to be helping. Helping me a LOT, and therefore helping Aiden in a way.

We have some workbooks to do over the summer to help with his anxiety.

They basically help give coping skills to get through those times when his anxiety is high (like first thing in the morning, going to school)

We are supposed to talk about the Anxiety as if it is its own entity. That way its easier on him and he doesn't think something is wrong with him. Also, they (Aiden and the specialist) came up with a story about the anxiety dragon, and how all the kids with anxiety have to battle it and when they worry the dragon gets bigger and stronger. So they have to come up with ways to not worry and to battle him.

I thought that was so cute. And we are able to use that in real life. When he is feeling anxious I can say "Uh oh, looks like the worry dragon is coming out, how are we gonna win this battle?"

And then he can learn ways to cope and deal with his anxiety in a fun way and not feel like something is wrong with him.

We learned a lot in our time with her, and go back to see her in a month.

He already has made great progress. He went out to play with the kids in the morning at school twice last week!!! Which he hasn't done pretty much ALL year! You can't even understand how relieved and happy that made me!

I have more to say about the meetings with her, but I will leave that for another post since its more to do with me and I feel like Im going on and on already in this one lol

Take care everyone :D

*Yawn*

I got to sleep in today :)

Which brings me to the topic of sleep.

For those of you who are at target or who have lost a lot of weight already, has your sleeping patterns changed? I am always tired, and I know its due to my weight. Some days Rob will let me sleep in and if I didn't make a concious effort to get myself out of bed I would literally sleep ALLLL day. Im not overly tired throughout the day, but I am definitely lazy and most days don't want to do more than I HAVE to do.

I need to just keep going to the gym like I was before, and start losing more weight, because when I was even just 20lbs lighter than I am now, I had more energy. I need to get there again.

Rob did a skatebording demo at Aiden's school today for Aidens class <3

He used to skate all the time when I met him and was really good, but after we had Aiden he had more important things to do, and he didn't get back into skateboarding until recently.. so he was quite nervous about today, but he did awesome :) the kids thought it was the coolest thing ever even when he didn't land tricks. Aiden was loving every minute of it too, it was good for him, for both of them :)

Showing them some tricks

Showing them what all the parts are called

Answering all their questions

:)

Get busy doing!

"Achievement is in the doing, satisfaction is in the doing, and real, lasting fulfillment is in the doing. So go ahead, right now, and get busy doing."

I have been doing awesome, if I do say so myself lol.

I kinda cheated and looked at the scale. Remember I said I wasn't going to look for a month... yeah that lasted about a week lol, but I mean it now, im gonna put it away for another 3 weeks.

Since I did look, I might as well tell you what the scale said :) I am down 4lbs this week!

Dude!!

I rock lol

I did well with the pizza and beer in the afternoon on Saturday. I didnt have any. Made myself a sandwich and had some grapes, drank LOTS of water throughout the day too so that I wasn't mistaking my thirst for hunger and stuffing pizza down my throat lol.

But my plans got all messed up for the bbq that eveneing, and to make a long story short I did end up eating a slice and a half of pizza for dinner. Which didn't put me over my daily calories, BUT I definitely ate that pizza due to my emotions. Which is what Im trying NOT to do.

But I could have ate more! And I didn't go over my calories so I can't really be too upset with myself, I recognize I ate my emotions and am concious of the fact that I need to make more of an effort to not do that.

So meh, wasn't too bad I suppose.

Sunday we were out shopping and had lunch at BP's

this is what I had

this is what Rob had...

I did quite well lol

Here is my lunch today ..

Rob made hotdogs and smokies for lunch.. and made banana chip muffins. I ate my sandwhich and veggies, and he offered me a muffin, I said no, maybe I will have one tonight for dessert if I have enough calories left for it. And he just asked me again... ugh, should this not bug me as much as it is? Like seriously. I just told him, If I say no, let it go please. Just because YOU made it doens't mean I HAVE to eat it... fack!

And he's all butt hurt about it now.. what the hell ever. grrrrr lol

Slimmer This Summer Challenge

Just doing my update quickly.
I have actually been doing really well. *does happy dance*
I have not made it to the gym in the past couple days (been sooo busy) but I am keeping busy and moving.
Been eating really well and tracking my calories online.
I need to drink more water though, I have been drinking more than I had been but still not up to where I should be.
I am making progress though !!

My brother is leaving tonight. I'm pretty sad about this. But I'm trying to not think about it.
I just got used to having him around and having SOMEONE here all the time.
Since Rob works out of town for 2 weeks and I have no family here I get pretty lonely, and almost forgot what it was like to have a grown up around constantly.
I'm gonna miss him :( /sigh

I will head to the gym tomorrow morning.. and hope it gives me enough confidance to say no to the pizza and beer that are going to happen at my house tomorrow afternoon when Rob's sister and her family come over.
I think I will plan out a healthier option to make for myself while they eat pizza AND make sure they take the left overs with them.

I also have a party thingy to go to tomorrow night and am not sure what the food situation will be.. I should text Sabrina about it and ask.. and possibly bring a veggie tray and salad.
Im already going to drink some of my calories away tomorrow night, no point in going overboard with the food.

And I would also like to welcome all my new followers, I think I gained about 7 in the past week thanks to this challenge lol
I look forward to getting to know you all :)

Slimmer This Summer Challenge

Slimmer Summer Challenge 

^^ click to go to page^^

I joined a new challenge. I find when I have a set goal (especially short term) I have an easier time trying to reach it. Its when I set huge goals for myself that I end up failing. So Im glad to have found this one.

" It will run June 6th through August 28th.  12 weeks, 84 days of commitment to get fit! "

So here are my goals.

Goal #1. 

I have 12 weeks, I would like to lose 1.5 lbs per week which would bring me to 18lbs gone by the end of the summer.

I have a lot of weight to lose and when I do actually push myself I can lose more than that, and if I do great, but I want to be realistic. I'm starting fresh with this again and I don't want to set myself up for failure by saying I will hit bigger numbers. I want to be happy with what I'm doing. I want to be happy with me.

Which brings me to the fact that I am hiding my scale. I worked out 3 times this past week and ate great 5 out of 7 days.. and didn't over do it the other 2, and I was up 2lbs this week... I felt soo good about myself, until I stepped on that scale. My little heart broke, because I thought I did so well, I obviously could have done better. And I will this week, and all the weeks following, but that number just kills me! 

So my husband gave me some words of wisdom and talked me into putting the scale away and not weighing in for a month, and then see what happens. See if not knowing the number, and just going on how great I am feeling and feeling about myself without having that disappointment from not seeing a bigger number ever week (or every day!)  will actually make this journey smoother for me.

And I honestly think it will.

The number on the scale is such a huge source of disappointment for me, even when I am losing weight , part of me just thinks of the fact that I could have lost more.

So its time to at least try this method out. Whats the worst that could happen? If I eat good and stay active.

Goal #2.

DRINK MORE WATER!!! For the love of baby Jesus, I seriously need to start drinking my water again! 8 cups a day.

Goal #3.

Track my food. On Myfitnesspal.com it says I should only be consuming 1400 calories, which actually seems like a lot :S but its because Im so big, and don't want to put my body through starvation mode. As I lose weight the number of calories will go down.

So those are my goals. Today is the last day to join this challenge if any of you would like to head over there and join as well :)

attempt number ?????

I really fail at life sometimes, I have every good intention, and I have goals I set for myself in regards to weight loss, but I have this voice inside my head telling me I am never going to reach them.

My whole life I have struggled with my weight, even when I wasn't actually fat (I thought I was).
I feel like Im not truly who I am supposed to be because I'm stuck behind this fat suit. I can't dress how I want to dress, I  don't allow myself to do thing I know I would do if I was smaller.
I CAN'T do some things I would like to do because of my weight.

Im just sooo sick of being fat.. soo soo sick. And I know what I need to do to lose the weight. I just can't.. I always fail at it. I feel like Im stuck being big. Im getting older and I wasted my life being fat so far.

I really need to sink myself into blogging again, and reading all your blogs, that is for sure one of the biggest motivations for me, and as soon as I started slipping before, I stopped reading/writing blogs.
There is definitely something to be said for the support that I have on here.

I went to the gym 3 times this week, which is great! And I had a few great days for eating. But I need to up my game this week. I need to get myself out of my house more. I really want to buy a bike. I just always end up being last priority when I have extra money, but thats my own fault.

My goal for tomorrow is to read blogs for motivation in the morning, track all my food on myfittnesspal.com, go to the gym, drink more water, and go for a walk after dinner.
oh and blog before bed.