Hello, I'm Ayla.
Welcome to my blog.
I am a 29 year old mother of 2 boys.
Wife to my husband Rob.
And I'm fat....
I have had a bad relationship with food my whole life.
I had an eating disorder starting from my early teens and up until I got pregnant at 17.
It was not as bad as it could have been, but it did enough damage to my body and my mind.
I remember fainting in the kitchen because I had not eaten for days.
The only reason I stopped was because I met Rob, and I got pregnant VERY shortly after that.
I have an arrhythmia (irregular heartbeat) because of the damage I did to my body.
I gained quite a bit of weight while pregnant with my first son Aiden, and rightfully so, I had been starving before that, and I was finally giving my body what it needed, because it wasn't about me anymore.
I struggled with thinking I was fat then, but having Rob there telling me I was beautiful and helping me accept how I looked made it easy... too easy.
I think I got too comfortable with the fact that he loved me enough no matter how I looked, that I let the food take over. I was allowed to eat what I wanted for once, because I had someone who accepted me no matter what.
We got married in 2005 I was 19.. I'm not sure how much I weighed then but if I took a guess Id say somewhere around 210.. I'm 5'5.
2 years later I have another baby boy, Atreyu.
I only gained about 15 lbs with that pregnancy. But I ballooned after it.
In the next nearly 4 years I gained around 80 lbs.
I have lost me, I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know if I really ever knew who I was to be completely honest.
Let's go back in time a bit here.
When I was around the age of 5 we had a family friend living with us, his name was Randy.
Up until I was around 9 years old.. he sexually abused me... In my home..
in the place where I was supposed to be safe.
in the place where I was supposed to be safe.
I had no clue that what he was doing was wrong.
I had never heard about sexual abuse, my parents never talked to me about it
(from what I can remember).
(from what I can remember).
And I didn't learn about it in school until after it stopped
(he moved out).
(he moved out).
He took a piece of my soul, he changed who I am..
he stole something from my being, and he stole it without thinking twice.
he stole something from my being, and he stole it without thinking twice.
I struggle with what a grown man decided to do to me
for his own pleasure.
for his own pleasure.
I struggle daily.
I was 5, when he started molesting me.
I trusted him, I had no reason to doubt what he was doing..
I didn't know any better.
I didn't tell anyone about what was going on.
I don't even remember if he told me not to talk about it.
I was in grade 3 or 4 and was finally learning about appropriate touching
and what was not appropriate.
I realized what had happened to me.. and I felt SHAME..I felt so small..
Why didn't anyone tell me?
Why me?
What did I do to deserve that?
I never told anyone until I was in about grade 5.
My sister spoke up to my mom that he had done it to her and I said it happened to me also.
(I don't remember ever talking to my sister about it before that)
And she didn't believe us.
I'm sure it was some form of denial.
She doesn't remember us ever talking to her about it.
And I'm not trying to make my mom out to be a bad person.. because she isn't, and I'm not mad at her for anything.
It wasn't until I was 21 that I spoke out about it again to her. And I don't know if she really believed me at that point..we never really talked about it.
Last year my sister had said something to my mom
about it.
She called me after talking to my sister.
And said she was going to the cops and pressing charges on him.
(he was living in the Yukon at this point
and I hadn't seen him since he moved out)
I felt relieved, but scared.. I'm still scared.
Last June we went to court for a pretrial,
to determine if the judge thought we had enough evidence to go to an actual trial.
Oh, and he did try this on another girl btw,
he moved in with family friends after living with us and they had 2 daughters.
He tried it once on the youngest sister.
We did not know this until we pressed charges.
And she helped us in court.
The judge said the evidence was so compelling he had no doubt that this was going to trial.
I had to see the man who did this to me again after 17ish years.
He couldn't even look at me when I was up on the stand..
he had his head held down the whole time.
He couldn't even look me in the eyes!!
At first I didn't even want to look at him when I was up there..
but some part of me needed to see him feel something.
And he hid there in his seat like a scared little boy.
I was the strong woman now.. I was doing something to HIM now.
I was scared shit less and couldn't stop shaking
but it was my turn to take control!
This March (2011) I am finally having my day in court.
Because of my mom we finally decided to do something about it.
March 21st, we go back to court.
I'm still scared, I don't want to see him again,
I don't want to sit there in front of all those people,
in front of him,
and talk about what he did to me.
He's not even sorry..
I can't wait for it to be over.
In the meanwhile, I can't tell you what this has done for me.
For the longest time I was trying to fill a hole from the piece of me he took.
I was trying to fill it with food
And that kind of hole can never be filled.
But it can be healed, I have to do the healing.
I have to love myself and not let what he did destroy me any longer.
And I'm not.
UPDATE
He was found guilty!!!
They postponed the sentencing until the end of June, so for now he is held in jail, and at the end of June we will know just how much time he will have to serve.
UPDATE #2
This is taken from one of my blog posts.
So I get a call a couple weeks ago. And they tell me he won his appeal...
My heart was literally destroyed..He won.
20 or more years ago this man started to do things that would change who I was. He chose to do that and I have had to deal with it my whole life, and will continue to do so.
2 years of dealing with all that court stuff and seeing him and being stressed out and worrying, for nothing.
I just wanted to go to bed and not wake up.. I'm not saying I was suicidal (cause I wasn't!),
I just didn't want to deal with my life anymore right then.
But I woke up the next day and felt stronger.
We had the option to have a re-trial.
And part of me wanted to continue on and try again, but part of me wanted to just go on living my life and not have to deal with him and court anymore.
What he did, is done.
Nothing that could happen to him in court would make up for what he stole from us.
I already stood up for myself in court.
I already faced him.
He knows we are aware of what he did and he knows that we hate him, he has to face that in his own heart now.
He loses, because as much as he broke us, we rebuilt ourselves.
We win.
