So I figure, Im gonna post full body shot pictures today. Its' kinda sad that I only willingly post face shots on facebook, and quickly untag myself in any pictures other people have taken of me, because..well, they don't know how to angle the camera to take my double chin away!
So its not an easy task for me to take a full body picture..
I don't even really look in the mirror at my whole body, whats the point?
But there IS a point!
The point is, I have to face what I have done to myself.
I have to face what I look like, and soak it up so it can help me move forward.
So expect a post later with body pics :S
Friday, December 31, 2010
john frusciante. time tonight
Just cause I love it and its one of my favs, and Im listening to it right now.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Click!
I am very proud of myself today.
I woke up and worked out, sure it wasn't very hard or for very long , but it was something, and something is better than nothing!
I also got a workout without "working out".
I had to shovel for about 30 minutes, and I spent about 2 hours cleaning the house.
I also was proud of everything I ate/drank today....
This was my lunch ...
...Up until Serena (SIL) and her girls came over with cookies. I didn't eat any, until after they left, we all had mini porkchops, rice and veggies for dinner (8pts), and once I ate one cookie I ate another, and I felt soo guilty, that I had eaten ANY in the first place that I almost let myself slip even more and almost ate more, BUT it was like something clicked, and told me I didn't have to sabotage myself just because I had a slip up.
Its ok to STOP eating after just one or two.. and thats what I did, and you know what, I don't feel bad about it anymore.
And now I am slowly enjoying some popcorn. (3pts)
And am going to go to bed shortly and start reading Clan of The Cave Bear (where my name came from).
But first! A picture of my boys <3
I woke up and worked out, sure it wasn't very hard or for very long , but it was something, and something is better than nothing!
I also got a workout without "working out".
I had to shovel for about 30 minutes, and I spent about 2 hours cleaning the house.
I also was proud of everything I ate/drank today....
This was my lunch ...
Cup of soup (1pt)
Some peppers (free)
and a toasted sandwich, with an eggbeater western omelet ( 4pts)
(it was verrry good)
...Up until Serena (SIL) and her girls came over with cookies. I didn't eat any, until after they left, we all had mini porkchops, rice and veggies for dinner (8pts), and once I ate one cookie I ate another, and I felt soo guilty, that I had eaten ANY in the first place that I almost let myself slip even more and almost ate more, BUT it was like something clicked, and told me I didn't have to sabotage myself just because I had a slip up.
Its ok to STOP eating after just one or two.. and thats what I did, and you know what, I don't feel bad about it anymore.
And now I am slowly enjoying some popcorn. (3pts)
And am going to go to bed shortly and start reading Clan of The Cave Bear (where my name came from).
But first! A picture of my boys <3
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The scariest number of them all
I hesitate as I write this, but if I am getting real about my weight loss I need to be honest.
I weight 275lbs... what has happened to me?
I remember being 15 standing 5'5 and thinking I was fat and disgusting... I weighed 160lbs.
Sure I could have stood to lose some weight, but I was absolutely DISGUSTED with my looks.
A lot more so than I am now, and I am more than 100lbs heavier than I was then.
Im pretty sure we all feel like we were too hard on ourselves as teenagers.
I was so hard on myself that I started throwing up my food, and some days not eating.
I also excersized non stop. Every thing I did or thought was to or about losing weight. how I could lose another few lbs, and it was never enough. I got down to 113lbs and I felt EXACLY the same way about myself as I did when I was 160lbs a few months before.
My saving grace was my son, I HAD to eat, I had to put someone before myself, and I was "allowed" to gain weight, but once I started, I couldn't stop. Over the next 7 years I gained 162lbs.. I doubled my weight.
Sure there were times when I lost 20lbs here, 30lbs there.. but I always gained it back, and some.
And here I sit, at 275lbs.
I have never known how to be healthy, or how to have a healthy realtionship with food. I still struggle with not eating, and then over eating. Although I AM trying.
I need the strength to overcome what I have been letting destroy me.
And yes I have been LETTING it. Im not the victim anymore. I need to make the choice to get better, mentally, emotionally and physically.
At this point, I look how I feel. I eat to fill the piece of me that was taken away as a child. And I can never eat enough to fill it.. because its gone forever.
I was molested from around the age of 5 until around the age of 8ish, by a family friend that lived with us.
I didn't know it was wrong, what was happening to me. Not until I learned about it in second grade.
I struggle DAILY with the fact that maybe I could have been someone better than I am, smaller than I am, stronger than I am, had this not happened to me. I am SICK of struggling with this. I need to get what he did to me out of my head. And show myself that I AM who I was meant to be, despite him and his actions.
As of right now though, I know I am not who I was meant to be, at least not fully. I know I can be better, I know I can be healthier, and I will be!
I weight 275lbs... what has happened to me?
I remember being 15 standing 5'5 and thinking I was fat and disgusting... I weighed 160lbs.
Sure I could have stood to lose some weight, but I was absolutely DISGUSTED with my looks.
A lot more so than I am now, and I am more than 100lbs heavier than I was then.
Im pretty sure we all feel like we were too hard on ourselves as teenagers.
I was so hard on myself that I started throwing up my food, and some days not eating.
I also excersized non stop. Every thing I did or thought was to or about losing weight. how I could lose another few lbs, and it was never enough. I got down to 113lbs and I felt EXACLY the same way about myself as I did when I was 160lbs a few months before.
My saving grace was my son, I HAD to eat, I had to put someone before myself, and I was "allowed" to gain weight, but once I started, I couldn't stop. Over the next 7 years I gained 162lbs.. I doubled my weight.
Sure there were times when I lost 20lbs here, 30lbs there.. but I always gained it back, and some.
And here I sit, at 275lbs.
I have never known how to be healthy, or how to have a healthy realtionship with food. I still struggle with not eating, and then over eating. Although I AM trying.
I need the strength to overcome what I have been letting destroy me.
And yes I have been LETTING it. Im not the victim anymore. I need to make the choice to get better, mentally, emotionally and physically.
At this point, I look how I feel. I eat to fill the piece of me that was taken away as a child. And I can never eat enough to fill it.. because its gone forever.
I was molested from around the age of 5 until around the age of 8ish, by a family friend that lived with us.
I didn't know it was wrong, what was happening to me. Not until I learned about it in second grade.
I struggle DAILY with the fact that maybe I could have been someone better than I am, smaller than I am, stronger than I am, had this not happened to me. I am SICK of struggling with this. I need to get what he did to me out of my head. And show myself that I AM who I was meant to be, despite him and his actions.
As of right now though, I know I am not who I was meant to be, at least not fully. I know I can be better, I know I can be healthier, and I will be!
First post
So not sure how to start this, but I suppose I will talk a little about myself.
My name is Ayla, I am 25, married (5 years to Rob) and have 2 amazing little boys (ages 7 and 3).
Im a SAHM, wanting to get back into school.. badly!! I need some change in my life, I have been stuck in the same rut since having my first child.. it is time for some major changes. Im sick of not loving myself, like I should. I need to get healthy, so I can have a full life with my children (and possibly have another child).
I need to lose this weight, the proper way, and lose it for good!
I would ultimately like to lose anywhere between 100 - 150 lbs... a whole effing person!
I don't have a clue what I want to go back to school for, but I never graduated high school, so we will start with that, and go from there.
I will write more later tonight!
My name is Ayla, I am 25, married (5 years to Rob) and have 2 amazing little boys (ages 7 and 3).
Im a SAHM, wanting to get back into school.. badly!! I need some change in my life, I have been stuck in the same rut since having my first child.. it is time for some major changes. Im sick of not loving myself, like I should. I need to get healthy, so I can have a full life with my children (and possibly have another child).
I need to lose this weight, the proper way, and lose it for good!
I would ultimately like to lose anywhere between 100 - 150 lbs... a whole effing person!
I don't have a clue what I want to go back to school for, but I never graduated high school, so we will start with that, and go from there.
I will write more later tonight!
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