The scariest number of them all

I hesitate as I write this, but if I am getting real about my weight loss I need to be honest.
I weight 275lbs... what has happened to me?

I remember being 15 standing 5'5 and thinking I was fat and disgusting... I weighed 160lbs.
Sure I could have stood to lose some weight, but I was absolutely DISGUSTED with my looks.
A lot more so than I am now, and I am more than 100lbs heavier than I was then.
Im pretty sure we all feel like we were too hard on ourselves as teenagers.
I was so hard on myself that I started throwing up my food, and some days not eating.
I also excersized non stop. Every thing I did or thought was to or about losing weight. how I could lose another few lbs, and it was never enough. I got down to 113lbs and I felt EXACLY the same way about myself as I did when I was 160lbs a few months before.

My saving grace was my son, I HAD to eat, I had to put someone before myself, and I was "allowed" to gain weight, but once I started, I couldn't stop. Over the next 7 years I gained 162lbs.. I doubled my weight.
Sure there were times when I lost 20lbs here, 30lbs there.. but I always gained it back, and some.
And here I sit, at 275lbs.

I have never known how to be healthy, or how to have a healthy realtionship with food. I still struggle with not eating, and then over eating. Although I AM trying.
I need the strength to overcome what I have been letting destroy me.
And yes I have been LETTING it. Im not the victim anymore. I need to make the choice to get better, mentally, emotionally and physically.

At this point, I look how I feel. I eat to fill the piece of me that was taken away as a child. And I can never eat enough to fill it.. because its gone forever.

I was molested from around the age of 5 until around the age of 8ish, by a family friend that lived with us.
I didn't know it was wrong, what was happening to me. Not until I learned about it in second grade.
I struggle DAILY with the fact that maybe I could have been someone better than I am, smaller than I am, stronger than I am, had this not happened to me. I am SICK of struggling with this. I need to get what he did to me out of my head. And show myself that I AM who I was meant to be, despite him and his actions.
As of right now though, I know I am not who I was meant to be, at least not fully. I know I can be better, I know I can be healthier, and I will be!