*sigh*

Meant to post last night, but I was tired, so tired.

I had a pretty typical day, but I just felt off all day.

Don't really know what my issue was, but I was in a "special" mood all day.

Atreyu started his swimming class.

He loves it. He did so much better this time, felt so much more comfortable and willing to learn.

We came with him to the first class but from now on (unless I want to go) I will use the time that he is at swimming to head over to the gym.

Had a ham sandwich, pickles and fruit salad for lunch.

Pork chop, 1/2 c. of rice and some corn for dinner.

We did make it to the gym. I did my 30 minutes of cardio, and 30 minutes of weights.

I think I am gonna start changing it up next week though. Maybe start using the elliptical.

Ugh I still feel like today is gonna be the same kinda day..

I feel really stressed out lately.

Money, I fucking hate money.

Everything revolves around it.

Its not like we are broke, we have money, we have nice things.

But you can never have enough. Once you get to the point of living a certain way its hard to go back to simpler times.. and sometimes, I just want those simple times back.

I'm stressed because my birthday is coming up (March 5th) and I'm not stressed about getting older. but it means that I am THAT much closer to our court date (March 21st).

If you don't know what court is for you can read about it here

I was able to put the nervous feelings to the back of my mind for a long time, but I feel them all pouring out now, and I feel helpless again, and I hate that feeling.

The thought about what happened and how I have to face him again is swallowing me whole.

And the fact that now he either gets sentenced or set free.

Set free.

There is a possibility that he will be set free and not have to serve any time for what he did to us.

Sometimes I think I would rather have done nothing and not had to face him, and not know whether he was alive or dead or in jail already, than risk the possibility of coming forward and nothing being done.

I now know that he went on to live his life and really didn't care what happened to us and really didn't care how something a grown man did to 3 little girls would affect them for the rest of their lives.

Really.. FUCK YOU!

Sometimes I actually find it hard to breathe thinking about it.

A little piece of me is hoping he pleads guilty at the last minute in hopes of getting a lesser charge, but he is a coward and I don't think he will face what he did honestly.

I think most of all I want to see some kind of remorse, some feeling from him in some way.

To know that he isn't sorry for what he did after all this time, kills me.

People say the best thing you can do is forgive the person who wronged you.

They say that if you forgive them you are doing something for yourself.

I say fuck that!

That man deserves NO forgiveness.

The best thing I could do for myself if he asked for my forgiveness is to say NO.

Finally so no.