I sit here wanting to write so much but not knowing where to start right now.
I'll just get down to the bottom of things.
I have let myself go again, I have gained a bunch of weight back, and I feel absolutely gross.
Im so sick of failing at this. I feel so sorry for myself and then I do nothing to change it, wtf!?
I'm constantly looking for the answer to "WHY?" why do I do this to myself? Why do I always turn to food? Why can't I beat this!?
I have done much harder things in my life, like standing up to the man who sexually abused me.
Forgiving certain people who have wronged me.
Raising little boys.
But I just haven't been able to beat this battle with my weight.
Im committing again.. Even I don't really believe me at this point.. maybe thats my problem, I need some self esteem again. I need to find me, and be me. Not just be a lonely miners wife, not just be a SAHM, but find who I am, who I am meant to be, who I am proud to be. And don;t get me wrong I am proud to be a miners wife and a mom of my gorgeous little boys. But I need more.. I have needed more for a long time and I just kinda gave up on myself.
I don't feel attractive, and its causing issues between my husband and I.
I have always had issues being intimate because of what happened to me when I was younger. Any time I was remotely intimate with anyone thoughts about what happened to me popped into my head, but I got so good at putting it in the back of my mind and "faking" enjoyment.
It wasn't until I was with Rob that I finally got to feel what it was like to have these moments and not feel like I had to fake anything, and not feel disgusted by the fact that that man ruined me.
Since going to court and pressing charges on him all those feelings and thoughts have come back.
I am not so good at pushing it to the back of my mind anymore, and it has ruined many nights where my husband has tried to be intimate.
I recently had a really long talk with Rob about it, and he didn't realize that it was affecting me so much, he said he thought he was able to make me feel as comfortable as possible and not have to think about that stuff. But I do think about it, every time! Sometimes I can get rid of the thought pretty quick, but ffs, I shouldn't have to think about it at all!
It's not fair.
Im struggling with the fact that we pressed charges on him at all at this point. Because its been so drug out, and Yes he was found guilty but he is appealing it. He was sentenced to 2 years for me AND my sister, so he would serve the time for what he did to her and I at the same time!! That belittles me to no end, we are separate people. Just because we are sisters doesn't mean he didn't ruin to little girls lives!!
And he got half a year for the other girl. Technically he got one year for her but since he was in jail for 3 months while the trial was happening it counts as double time served so he will only have to serve another 6 months for her.
Its disgusting.
And to top that off, he is out free right now because they appealed. The don't even have an appeal date set, and might not until sometime in November. So he was found guilty, but is out doing his normal routine.
He had help from people in his town and got a new fancy lawyer to appeal the case. His lawyer is going to try and get him 2 years less a day, which means he wouldn't have to go to the pen, and he wouldn't be a registered sex offender.
I have no words for this...
Anyways, I try to push this all to the back of my mind but it seriously eats at me everyday.
I like I stood up for myself and I am proud of what we all did. And I know that THAT should be the most important thing, but its just drug up all these feelings that I pushed away and thought I had gotten through and it just feels like this isn;t going to pass.
I just want to go back to before the whole court thing and act like it doesn't hurt anymore.
I had more to talk about but I'm pretty drained at this point.. so maybe I will post again later..
13 comments:
Don't beat yourself up Ayla. I haven't been doing great either. We just have to carry on doing what we were doing and we'll get back to where we were. Love u!! Come over this week!
Ayla,
You can and you will do this.
Some people want it to happen
Some wish it would happen
Others MAKE it happen
You are the other
Your body can and will do this
Put your mind to it
Start and use your failures as motivators
Put little signs all over the house to keep you motivated
Put a picture of your self at your highest weight inside the kitchen cabinets and the fridge or put one of a women at your goal weight
Look into taking some college courses, even if it is just one, this is what got me out of my funk after being a stay at home mom for 5 years.
I'm going to send you here: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/ Go and read and post. There are some women there who can offer you way more good, knowing advice than I can. Also, I've been in the same place you have with the weight issue. I'm doing way better now but it has really been a struggle. I lost 83 pounds and then, in a single year, put it all back on plus a few extra. Anyway, this time feels different and I'm trying to figure out why- there is a book that I really like: The One-Day Way by Chantel Hobbs. She really does make sense. Meanwhile, stop beating yourself up. Just do the best you can- one day at a time.
Sabrina, I will most definitely come over this week! I could use some adult human interaction lol
Hyla, Thank you! I needed to hear that!
I think I will do the picture thing, I tend to not look in mirrors and ignore pictures, but if I have to see it and face it everyday it can only help push me!
Emptynester, Thank you for that site, I will have to sit and read more of it later once the kids are in bed, I can tell it will lead to lots of tears, but I do need some support from others who have gone through this as well :)
I'm glad to see you're back, Ayla. And hell yes, we can do this together!
Slip-ups happen. You are human. But, I understand what's been going on is terribly hard for you, and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. =/ I'm glad you have a supportive husband who tries his best to make you feel comfortable - that's very, very important, and so sweet of him. <3
Like Hyla said, though, you can, and you will, do this and get through this. You're strong, girl - remember that! =)
Thanks for this post Ayla, and thanks emptynester for that link. You are so strong, and I know that you're going to get serious about losing weight soon. Shoot me an email if you have a chance (jillbean1217@gmail.com). I have suggestions regarding your other issues, but I don't really want to post them on your comments board and I can't find an email link on your blog.
Okay, time to forgive yourself again. You are worth it. I know you feel weak sometimes but you are one of the strongest people I know. You will do this, I KNOW you will.
When you talk about what happened to you and how it's still affecting your life, I just want to cry. I know your past, you know mine...the things you talk about - well that could be me talking. I hate that we share that kind of history, I hate that you went through what you did, but I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. That's strength.
I believe that life only gets better from here. And here is something else I know...I am 39 now and still dealing with trying to be the person I want to be, trying to get healthy - that is NOT going to happen to you. I am going to succeed, but you are going to be so much younger when you succeed. When you turn 40 what you weigh won't even enter your mind, you will have already been healthy for a very very long time. I already know what it's like to fight this for so long, I just can't let you do the same thing...so I'm gonna keep bugging you and you can keep bugging me, okay? :)
I believe in us. We are going to be so awesome when we are healthy and I can't wait!
Love you and miss you lots <3
Oh, do me a favor? Try to be nicer to you, okay? :)
As for food - don't beat yourself up. So many people struggle with making the right changes to their life... you are not a failure, you are human. Try incorporating small steps, re-evaluate your eating and exercising pattern every few weeks, get used to the healthier habits. I know, we all want things to change as quickly as possible, but it does not work that way. Cut yourself some slack, take your time. You will get to your dream results in the end. (This is coming from a woman who lost as "little" as 15kg in one year, with up to 10kg more to lose, and who is actually fine with that, because she learned a lot on the way and enjoyed herself.)
And as for your past - you survived. You brought him to court. Legal "justice" often sucks. Don't let him drag you down any further. You know that something similar has happened to me, and I had to struggle - I wasn't intimate with anyone until the BF came along, at which point I was... wait, thinking... 24, and he had to be very patient - I remember standing on one of the huge bridges in our town and considering jumping... it IS tough. Sometimes I think about the past, and it ruins my day, and I feel down and have a hard time just going to work and interacting with other people as if everything was okay. But I never think about it anymore when I am with the BF - what we have is too good and too important to me to let it be ruined by that jerk. You will get there, too. Some things will be tough for the rest of your life, but love won't be one of them. Once again, take your time. And then take back your life.
You ladies are all so amazing to me <3 thank you for your support and encouraging words!
Ayla, you are such a strong woman and you can get through everything you are having to endure. You have done wonderfully with your weight loss thus far, and all you need is the drive to continue. Which I think you have in spades! YOU CAN DO IT!!!! We need to get together when I am there next week!
You are amazing for being able to talk about it and stand up to him and get a verdict in your favor. You are strong, a survivor, and no one can take that away from you. I'm a survivor too, so unbelievably many of us have had to live through things like that and we aren't all as strong as you to take it to court and say it out loud. You're amazing and your strength and your victory will make a difference, don't let any stupid lawyers take that away from you no matter what happens.
Ayla, you are such an amazing person. Honestly, probably one of the strongest people I have ever encountered. I know its hard, but chin up, you have so many people who know you are beautiful and love you. :)
thanks ladies <3 you really know how to lift a girls spirits :D
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