I havent posted in a little while, and I am still struggling (kinda) its a battle every day, but I have been doing really well the past week or so, and WI day is tomorrow and Im hoping for some good results. I feel smaller, not so bloated anyways.
Our Dominican trip is in 18 days! I have been struggling with extreme shame over how badly I have been doing and how I gained all the weight back. I had 2 years to lose weight for my brothers wedding and Im pretty much only going to have lost maybe 20lbs.
Im trying to just let that go, and move on, and not pressure myself so bad.
I know everyone loves me despite my weight.
I think a big thing is just that its for Adam's wedding. I never think about this, because I love him so much, but he was soo mean to me growing up, and bugged me DAILY about being over weight as a kid.
I don't remember anyone else ever making fun of my weight. But I think because he was my older brother I needed his approval, but I felt worthless cause he made me feel like being fat/chubby was such a gross and horrible thing, and I was fat.
Im so much more over weight now, and a part of me feels like he is going to be dissapointed that I didn't drop the weight for his wedding.
I havent seen him in a long time so he doesn't know what size I am.
My heart is in my throat just thinking that I will have dissapointed him.
I know he loves me and we are adults now so I know he will just be glad Im there and a part of the wedding. But that little girl in me who was teased by her brother her whole childhood is scared.
My feeling like he is going to be disappointed is probably just ME, and my insecurities, but its ingrained in me.
With that said, I am trying my hardest right now, I did lose weight.. I just gained it back lol. But all in all thats better than never having dropped any and still gained more.
Its a journey, it really is. Im learning more about myself with every fall I take. I get back up, and try something new.
Thats really all I can do.
Thats really all anyone can do.
Im proud of myself for trying to overcome thins so many times. And slowly but surely I will get there :)
6 comments:
Hey, you lost twenty pounds - that's quite something! Don't let the time you spent gaining experience in the past spoil your fun in the presence.
Your brother should love and respect you no matter size. And I'm guessing he will! Don't let the past hold you back. :)
20lbs is amazing. Don't let the fact that you have more weight to lose belittle the fact that you lost 20 lbs. YOU did that, YOU put in all that effort and lost that weight so be proud!! Kick some ass these next two weeks and go on your trip feeling happy, healthy and accomplished!
big love,
bail.
Ayla, you're doing great. 20 lbs down is 20 lbs down. You're not up! I'm sure your weight is going to be the last thing on his mind, or anybodies for that matter. Just refocus and be proud of what you've done and remember that just because you didn't lose weight doesn't mean that you don't deserve to enjoy yourself on your trip. You know I'm here to support you if you need anything! Don't concentrate on what you haven't done yet, just think about what you've already accomplished, and how you can use that to move on and improve from!
I'm proud of you too :)
Suddenly I understand why you are struggling more lately (or at least I think I do). I had no idea Adam teased you like that...it's the trip stressing you, no wonder it's so hard for you right now! I know you are looking forward to the trip but I see now that's it's also been a huge source of stress for you. I am super excited that it is finally so close, you guys will have a fantastic time and I am guessing that when you get back you'll be able to breathe again and ease up on yourself.
Love you.
You have done so well so far! Don't feel disheartened.
Enjoy your trip!
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