Stress

*sigh*
Where to start?

I've been struggling, a lot.
Im committed to changing again, but the past few weeks have been a complete disaster.
Rob was home for 3 weeks and it was great, man did I miss him!!
But he hurt himself at work, and HE wasn't able to work out. Which is no excuse for ME, but I let it be.
We usually work out together when he is home and I look forward to that. But he wasn't able this time and when he is home all I wanna do is spend my time with him, or just be home WITH him.
His job is very dangerous. And This new mine he is at is probably the most dangerous place he has worked so far. The ground is very unstable and he works underground, drilling holes into the ground to put up screen to make it safer for everyone working underground.. but HE is there making it safer, so before it's safe... well, you fill in the blanks.
I actually had nightmares while he was gone that I would get a call from his work saying that something happened and he wasn't coming home. I obviously knew this kind of stuff could also happen at his last 2 jobs, but the fact that the ground is so loose, makes it that much more likely to happen.
I really don't like this new job.

On top of that the pay is really messed up he gets one really big pay check and then one super small one. So we haven't figured out quite how to balance that out just yet, not to mention it was just Christmas and he had no job for a few weeks shortly before that. So we are still trying to catch up. Which is more stress. So he is technically making more money, but it feels like we aren't making as much as before. Hopefully this catches up soon and we get it figured out.
I hate when we have money "issues" and I am doing nothing to help with bringing in money.
I put quotations around Issues because I know it could be far worse. And I know we have it pretty good compared to how we used to have it. But its always something. No matter how much money you make, its just never enough is it!? I hate money.

Anyways,
So Rob was home for Christmas this year <3 It was sooo nice to have him home, its been about 4 years since his last Christmas home.
We spent Christmas at his sisters, their mom and her husband were there as well.
It was really nice. Drank WAYYYY too much Christmas eve. ughh.. way too much.

Rob is gone again. possibly for 5 weeks this time. He was just gonna stay for an extra week of overtime to pay off what we took off the visa, but he wants to try and get ahead a bit. I agree, I want that too, but I want a husband who is home for more than a week also.
If he stays for 5 he only has one week off, and then is back at work for 3, but would probably stay for more over time because we have my brothers wedding in April. And its booked and paid for already. Only problem is its while Rob is supposed to be at work. So he will have to take 2 weeks off from work. which really screws up the pay checks, since they are already messed up.
So he is of course wanting to get in as much work as possible before it.

I know its hard for him to be at work and away so much. At least I get to be around my kids and in my home, and do normal things. He is stuck underground 12 hours a day, and then goes back to camp to eat and sleep and has no one he loves with him, for weeks at a time :(

Its hard on me too though. I feel like a single mom who gets child/spousal support sometimes. Im always the one here when things go wrong with the house, or the vehicles, or the kids. Im alone all the time, yes I have the kids and I am thankful for that. But I have no family around me. Im married but I have no husband with me. And its hard, even when I do get to talk to him at camp, there are certain things I don't talk to him about because I would rather be the only one stressed out about those things than have him be stressed out and not be able to sleep, and then do something wrong at work and get hurt.
So while he is gone, I really don't have the full emotional support I would while he is home.

Atreyu is a little too young to understand and really, this is all he has known, so dad being gone half the time is normal. But Aiden is old enough that he cries every time his dad leaves, and he wants to talk to him every night. And Aiden and Rob have a lot more in common than Aiden and I do. I try really hard to be involved in the things he is interested in, but Aiden is into everything Rob was into as a kid, and things he is still into. Skateboarding, biking, Pokemon, that kinda stuff. Aside from skateboarding, I can be involved in most things. But if Im being completely honest, Rob is Aiden's favorite parent lol
So I have to also deal with Aiden missing his dad. And try to over compensate for being the only parent here half the time.
Its hard on all of us.

I should start buying lottery tickets.

I kinda got side tracked on that topic, but my point is I wanted to spend all my time with him while he was home, and I let it stop me from working out. And we were eating pretty badly while he was home too. So I've gained 5 lbs.. and I feel soo disgusting.
And Im starting fresh again.

I will write again later.. I have more to talk about but I feel like I had a lot to say on that one topic lol so I will spare you a super super long entry.