Im back

 So I have been back about a week now, and for some reason couldn't bring myself to type out a blog until now.

I was in Yellowknife for court as my readers know. 

After 3 long stressful days in court, he was found guilty!

I kinda wish I wrote this the day I heard the guilty verdict, because I was a lot happier about it then.

I am struggling with some guilt the past week. 

Why do I feel guilty? I wish I could explain, cause I have no idea. 

I shouldn't feel guilty for doing the right thing and coming forward finally after all these years and putting him in jail, but I do.

Here's how court went.

Day one:

Alisen (my sister) testified, then I testified, then Victoria testified.

I thought this was going to be the hardest part of the trial. I was on the stand for over an hour. And the court room was set up a lot differently than the courtroom at the prelim. He was actually sitting about 6 feet to my right. I was very emotional on the stand.. I wanted to be stronger this time, but I just couldn't.

Walking into the courtroom, knowing he was in there, knowing he was denying what happened, made me feel so small and weak. But I got through it.

Day two:

He (Randy) testified...

To hear his voice again, to hear him answer the questions and act disgusted by the accusations 

made me sick to my stomach. 

Our lawyer asked him how it made him feel to be accused of such a crime by girls he 

thought of as family, and he said 

"I'm very confused by this. Its like when someone commits suicide, all you can do is ask why". 

Really? All YOU can do is ask why!? I have been searching my whole life for the answer to that same question. Why did he do this to me? Why would he do it to someone soo young? Why can't I get over it? Why does it control me? Why didn't I stand up for myself? Why wasn't I protected more? Why do I have to live my life having had this happen? Why!???

At one point he was talking about me and said "Ayla was very fond of me". 

It made my skin crawl.

Day two was much harder for me to deal with than day one.

Day three:

My mom, my sister - her fiance, Victoria - her husband and I sat in the back row 

as the judge spoke for about 20 minutes. 

He went over the whole case and at the end gave his verdict. 

He talked about all aspects of the case, so for those 20 minutes it went back and forth, 

I was unsure of what the judge was going to say. But when he said "Guilty".  

All of us girls burst into tears.  

And I'm crying again now.

To hear the word guilty from the judges mouth was .. I can't even explain how free it made me feel.

Randy also cried.. and a part of me died. I felt compassion for him.. wtf is wrong with me?

How can I still feel like this is my fault after all this time, after the judge saying he was guilty?

I'm supposed to feel better now.. I'm supposed to feel like I did the right thing.

So here I am asking myself that question again.

Why? Why do I feel like I did this to him? Why do I feel so bad? Why can't I let this go yet?

I have been having nightmares. And anxiety at night time when I'm alone. I know he is in jail right now. But I keep getting this feeling that I pissed him off now and when he gets out he is going to want revenge. 

I'm worried for my kids. 

I'm  95% sure he wouldn't come and do anything (he's old and has a lot of problems) but I brought this all up and he is now in jail. I'm sure its natural for me to worry, but its the guilt  that's destroying me.

Its destroying me from the inside out because I know I shouldn't feel it, but I do. 

And I don't know how to get over that.